So I hear this new song, a girl singing softly, she needs a doctor. Not bad, quite interested. Then Eminem starts whining away in that droning, high pitched whinge like a kid throwing a tantrum. Everytime I hear him I get a picture of a 4 year old kicking off in the supermarket, kicking and screaming because his mum won't let him have cocopops. How long's he been angry now? 11, 12 years? What is there still to be mad at after 12 years?! His next album has a song on about how when he opens a packet of crisps, they're only half full. I got some lyrics for one of the tunes...
"But the bitch drives me crazy, I don't want her alive,
Cos the speed limit's 50, but she only goes 35."
It's called "Stuck in traffic". I tell you, when he gets to that second verse I'm so glad I'm not a roadworker.
Also, 1 very quick comment on Kesha. She uses the line ..."And now the dudes are linin up cause they hear we got swagger. But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger" Now that is classic example of saying any old shit just to make the next line rhyme. She's implying there she doesn't give any guy a second look unless they look like Mick Jagger? Has she seen Mick Jagger?! He's one of the ugliest blokes in the history of music! And nearly 70 so the only thing he'd be giving her is a Werthers Original.
So basically guys what she's saying is, her idea of a perfect man is a fuck ugly septagenarian with lips that a glazer could use to hold the glass in place for him? Daft cow.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Monday, 26 July 2010
I'm frustrated.
Not in a sexual way, let me clear that up from the outset. I'm not following the old myth of tearing labels off of beer bottles in non-coital tension. Neither am I frustrated from a logical, number based puzzle, sat with a look on my face resembling a gorilla trying to open a packet of peanuts. I am however, frustrated at the catch 22 of trying to enter the world of comedy writing.
I'm new to the industry, I have no friends or contacts in the business. I have no reputation. But I have experiences, stories to tell, characters to realise and I have a script.
So here's my dilemma. What do I do with it?
Send it to a Production Company? Of course! That would be the most obvious solution.
Unless... the production companies have a policy against receiving unsolicited material - which is material sent by unrecognised or unrepresented writers. Bugger.
So then I shall seek representation!
Unless... the literary agents have a policy against accepting unsolicited material from writers not recommended by a producer.
Excellent, glad that's cleared that up then, so to get my script to a producer I need an agent, and to get an agent I need a producer to recommend my script to them. Ri-ight.
I get how it works for established writers, they write a treatment which is sent by their agent, or themselves, to production companies they have affiliations or previous work with. If they like it they ask for a script, if they like that they take it to the networks.
So how about the newbies? Where's the test bed for new comedy? Where are the companies willing to root through all those new scripts to find the diamond amongst the coal?
Yes there is the BBC Writersroom, which is a great resource to develop as writer, but they're not a commissions department, yes they'll assess your talent as a writer, and may offer you parts on their flagship shows. But they look at the content rather than the concept so your show will very probably be passed for more Casualty, Holby City, or Eastenders. And let's be honest, Eastenders is a laugh a minute riot isn't it? Not depressing for one single iota.
I don't think I'd be able to resist it, if I had to write an episode of Casualty I'd base it on a student getting his knob stuck in a vacuum cleaner. He'd be at home alone, bored of the same tired, wrinkled old magazines under his bed. His internet connection's down, it's the middle of the day so the only racy thing on the TV is Loose Women, which sadly is more disappointing than the title suggests. Then he sees it. "Henry" sat in the corner, looking at him suggestively. But no, he can't, it's male.
Unless... he takes that fancy dress wig from Champagne's birthday party and puts that on it, maybe draws on some eyelashes in marker pen, and thicker, fuller lips. Then with a rub of perfume tester from Heat magazine around the end of nozzle, "Henrietta" is born.
The same story line would work for Eastenders, I'd just make it from the Vacuums point of view and then drag it out for six months as to who it was that abused it, only to find it was Lucy f**king Benjamin.
So help me people of the entertainment world, internet, and er... world, how do I get someone to look at my bloody script?!
Not in a sexual way, let me clear that up from the outset. I'm not following the old myth of tearing labels off of beer bottles in non-coital tension. Neither am I frustrated from a logical, number based puzzle, sat with a look on my face resembling a gorilla trying to open a packet of peanuts. I am however, frustrated at the catch 22 of trying to enter the world of comedy writing.
I'm new to the industry, I have no friends or contacts in the business. I have no reputation. But I have experiences, stories to tell, characters to realise and I have a script.
So here's my dilemma. What do I do with it?
Send it to a Production Company? Of course! That would be the most obvious solution.
Unless... the production companies have a policy against receiving unsolicited material - which is material sent by unrecognised or unrepresented writers. Bugger.
So then I shall seek representation!
Unless... the literary agents have a policy against accepting unsolicited material from writers not recommended by a producer.
Excellent, glad that's cleared that up then, so to get my script to a producer I need an agent, and to get an agent I need a producer to recommend my script to them. Ri-ight.
I get how it works for established writers, they write a treatment which is sent by their agent, or themselves, to production companies they have affiliations or previous work with. If they like it they ask for a script, if they like that they take it to the networks.
So how about the newbies? Where's the test bed for new comedy? Where are the companies willing to root through all those new scripts to find the diamond amongst the coal?
Yes there is the BBC Writersroom, which is a great resource to develop as writer, but they're not a commissions department, yes they'll assess your talent as a writer, and may offer you parts on their flagship shows. But they look at the content rather than the concept so your show will very probably be passed for more Casualty, Holby City, or Eastenders. And let's be honest, Eastenders is a laugh a minute riot isn't it? Not depressing for one single iota.
I don't think I'd be able to resist it, if I had to write an episode of Casualty I'd base it on a student getting his knob stuck in a vacuum cleaner. He'd be at home alone, bored of the same tired, wrinkled old magazines under his bed. His internet connection's down, it's the middle of the day so the only racy thing on the TV is Loose Women, which sadly is more disappointing than the title suggests. Then he sees it. "Henry" sat in the corner, looking at him suggestively. But no, he can't, it's male.
Unless... he takes that fancy dress wig from Champagne's birthday party and puts that on it, maybe draws on some eyelashes in marker pen, and thicker, fuller lips. Then with a rub of perfume tester from Heat magazine around the end of nozzle, "Henrietta" is born.
The same story line would work for Eastenders, I'd just make it from the Vacuums point of view and then drag it out for six months as to who it was that abused it, only to find it was Lucy f**king Benjamin.
So help me people of the entertainment world, internet, and er... world, how do I get someone to look at my bloody script?!
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
A copy of my recent letter to Top Gear...
Dear Top Gear,
In thinking of how to address this I considered; “Gentlemen”, or “Colleagues”, but I’ve come to think of you as Friends, given that I see you on a weekly basis, enjoy your company, and always take your advice over that of my parents.
I write to you with a cry for help, over the last few months I’ve found myself at the mercy of my wife’s Ford Streetka.
Firstly, let’s gloss over the general embarrassment of being a man seen driving one, and that when turned upside down it clearly says “Matchbox Hairdresser Series 2003”. Let’s start with the visibility for example, it has one of those flexible plastic rear windows, so the rear-view mirror is useless – which is lucky, considering mine fell off. Then there’s the turning circle, under a full lock it will scuff the kerbs performing a turn in the road, and is only capable of “swinging” into a car parking space, when three are available side by side. This leads me to think that rather than model it on the sprightly, 1.3i standard Ka, which corners like a Mini in the Italian Job, they’ve somehow based it on the Transit Van. Then there’s that constant pain that drives through your left leg whenever you’re in the car, what is that? Oh that’s right, the dashboard.
The 1.6 zetec engine has no bottom end torque, is full of flat-spots and generally feels sluggish, get to 50mph however and the power comes and takes you to 85 in a heart beat, which is useful given the speed limit on most UK roads is 60. If you do choose to take it on the motorway, I recommend you take a member of your family that normally bores you senseless, as they’ll be able to witter endlessly at you, without you hearing a thing. Don’t look for fuel economy out of this small 2 seater either, it returns about 24 miles to the gallon.
I recently tried to change a headlight bulb, and it took the best part of an hour due to the keyhole surgery I had to perform to get to the old one. Although it would have been fine if I’d had hands the size of a child, and the ability to see through metal.
In short I’m asking you to help me, I’m currently looking for a new car and the plan is to part ex this one. I don’t know what your process is for the cars you use, whether they’re donated or you purchase them. But if you do see fit to furnish me with the current part ex value for this car, I would be more than happy to see this one blown up, shot at, smashed to pieces, played conkers with, drowned, driven off a cliff, crushed, burned, inserted into the rectum of a larger equally frustrating car, catapulted, pelted with caravans and or buried in a time capsule so that people of the future may learn from our mistakes.
Thanks in anticipation.
In thinking of how to address this I considered; “Gentlemen”, or “Colleagues”, but I’ve come to think of you as Friends, given that I see you on a weekly basis, enjoy your company, and always take your advice over that of my parents.
I write to you with a cry for help, over the last few months I’ve found myself at the mercy of my wife’s Ford Streetka.
Firstly, let’s gloss over the general embarrassment of being a man seen driving one, and that when turned upside down it clearly says “Matchbox Hairdresser Series 2003”. Let’s start with the visibility for example, it has one of those flexible plastic rear windows, so the rear-view mirror is useless – which is lucky, considering mine fell off. Then there’s the turning circle, under a full lock it will scuff the kerbs performing a turn in the road, and is only capable of “swinging” into a car parking space, when three are available side by side. This leads me to think that rather than model it on the sprightly, 1.3i standard Ka, which corners like a Mini in the Italian Job, they’ve somehow based it on the Transit Van. Then there’s that constant pain that drives through your left leg whenever you’re in the car, what is that? Oh that’s right, the dashboard.
The 1.6 zetec engine has no bottom end torque, is full of flat-spots and generally feels sluggish, get to 50mph however and the power comes and takes you to 85 in a heart beat, which is useful given the speed limit on most UK roads is 60. If you do choose to take it on the motorway, I recommend you take a member of your family that normally bores you senseless, as they’ll be able to witter endlessly at you, without you hearing a thing. Don’t look for fuel economy out of this small 2 seater either, it returns about 24 miles to the gallon.
I recently tried to change a headlight bulb, and it took the best part of an hour due to the keyhole surgery I had to perform to get to the old one. Although it would have been fine if I’d had hands the size of a child, and the ability to see through metal.
In short I’m asking you to help me, I’m currently looking for a new car and the plan is to part ex this one. I don’t know what your process is for the cars you use, whether they’re donated or you purchase them. But if you do see fit to furnish me with the current part ex value for this car, I would be more than happy to see this one blown up, shot at, smashed to pieces, played conkers with, drowned, driven off a cliff, crushed, burned, inserted into the rectum of a larger equally frustrating car, catapulted, pelted with caravans and or buried in a time capsule so that people of the future may learn from our mistakes.
Thanks in anticipation.
Directors Cut
Everyone's heard of a Directors Cut, Bladerunner, Terminator 2, Aliens. Funnily enough usually films that James Cameron is the Director. They usually contain a longer cut of the film, including previously cut scenes that the studio didn't like, were under pressure to meet a desired rating or were dropped due to time constraints.
The concept is that it represents the Directors' Original vision before various parties became involved in the edit and hacked it to pieces. I get that and understand it when a directors cut is released a decade or two after the original, technology has advanced in such a way that a director is able to improve on that original concept and get closer to their first imagining. What I don't get however, is when a theatrical cut is released at the cinema, and the Directors Cut is released on DVD. There is no other excuse other than to make money, by doing that you're cheating people by changing the film and having them pay to see it on two different mediums. If the film is good enough, they'll buy it on DVD anyway. The films are made at the same time, edited together, there simply isn't enough time to edit a separate cut between the cinema and DVD release.
My case in point, Terminator: Salvation was released on two separate DVDs at the same time, the original and the Directors Cut. Avatar, is making millions at the cinema and is supposedly the best film in the world, has the most cutting edge technology, taking the movie world by storm and has been between 4 and 6 years in the making depending on the source. Then why has it already been confirmed that the Blu-Ray release will feature the Directors Cut? Is 4 years not enough to get it right James Cameron? Has the technology advanced again in 3 months? Is it outdated already? Or was all that about creating his masterpiece and a modern day spectacle all just bollocks? Well obviously, cos now he's done a better version. Unless of course he's just playing everyone for a mug and milking this cash cow for all it's worth. My prediction is shortly after the Blu-ray release, there'll then be a 3d version released, probably with an additional scene, they forgot about the previous two versions. While we are on Avatar I have to point out another thing, that Mr Cameron said it was the perfect film for a 15 year old boy and had everything they would want. Rubbish. 15 year old boys want a cross between Taken, and Emmanuelle, somebody running round killing everyone they see for revenge, pausing every 2o minutes to watch women getting undressed and taking a shower in a communal changing room, not a big blue cartoon alien version of Dances with Wolves.
Anyway, back to Directors Cuts....
Here's an idea James Cameron, GET IT RIGHT FIRST TIME!!
The concept is that it represents the Directors' Original vision before various parties became involved in the edit and hacked it to pieces. I get that and understand it when a directors cut is released a decade or two after the original, technology has advanced in such a way that a director is able to improve on that original concept and get closer to their first imagining. What I don't get however, is when a theatrical cut is released at the cinema, and the Directors Cut is released on DVD. There is no other excuse other than to make money, by doing that you're cheating people by changing the film and having them pay to see it on two different mediums. If the film is good enough, they'll buy it on DVD anyway. The films are made at the same time, edited together, there simply isn't enough time to edit a separate cut between the cinema and DVD release.
My case in point, Terminator: Salvation was released on two separate DVDs at the same time, the original and the Directors Cut. Avatar, is making millions at the cinema and is supposedly the best film in the world, has the most cutting edge technology, taking the movie world by storm and has been between 4 and 6 years in the making depending on the source. Then why has it already been confirmed that the Blu-Ray release will feature the Directors Cut? Is 4 years not enough to get it right James Cameron? Has the technology advanced again in 3 months? Is it outdated already? Or was all that about creating his masterpiece and a modern day spectacle all just bollocks? Well obviously, cos now he's done a better version. Unless of course he's just playing everyone for a mug and milking this cash cow for all it's worth. My prediction is shortly after the Blu-ray release, there'll then be a 3d version released, probably with an additional scene, they forgot about the previous two versions. While we are on Avatar I have to point out another thing, that Mr Cameron said it was the perfect film for a 15 year old boy and had everything they would want. Rubbish. 15 year old boys want a cross between Taken, and Emmanuelle, somebody running round killing everyone they see for revenge, pausing every 2o minutes to watch women getting undressed and taking a shower in a communal changing room, not a big blue cartoon alien version of Dances with Wolves.
Anyway, back to Directors Cuts....
Here's an idea James Cameron, GET IT RIGHT FIRST TIME!!
Friday, 31 July 2009
Star Wars Deleted Scene: The Interview
SCENE: INT: A COLD LOOKING OFFICE ROOM:
A MAN SITS NERVOUSLY AT A DESK LOOKING AT THE EMPTY CHAIR OPPOSITE HIM, HE SCANS AROUND THE ROOM AND NOTICES THE MOTIVATIONAL POSTER SAYING “FAILURE: IS NOT AN OPTION” ADJACENT TO A POSTER OF THE LORD DARTH VADER POINTING, SAYING “I WANT YOU”.
AN OFFICER WEARING A GREY IMPERIAL UNIFORM ENTERS, SITS OPPOSITE THE MAN AND STARTS CHEERILY SHUFFLING HIS PAPERS.
OFFICER:
Soo, you're here for the new radar post role then, is that correct?
MAN:
Er… yes, sir, I am.
OFFICER:
Goood, well your CV looks up to scratch and I'm sure you're aware of the role profile?
MAN:
Well… n-not really sir, the recruitment agency said it was just for an operator for a new imperial project.
OFFICER:
Of course, of course, how absent minded I am! (LAUGHS JOVIALLY) Well, obviously we have a very strict failure policy here, but there are also perks to working for the Empire. Obviously the main being that we won't kill you! (LAUGHS) - Just a… little joke there… not strictly true… as failure could lead to death by telekenetic strangulation. But great opportunities in that vacancies do come round quite often, with chance for progression, it quite literally is "dead mans shoes" as they say! (LAUGHS)... But basically the job entails watching the radar screens allocated to you and ensuring that no rebel forces come bearing photon torpedoes again! (BEAT) Would you believe they made that shot?! Into a duct no bigger than a wamp-rat?! Unbelievable! (LOWERS VOICE AND LOOKS AROUND) Between you and me, I think Lord Vader is trying to find the pilot and offer him a job! Alderan knows we need good pilots, these clones are all bit backward you see, too much interbreeding in my opinion, can't be good. (SIGHS) But yes the duct, hardly worth putting it in the next one really is it, but the idea is to double bluff! They'll never expect us to use the exact same plans with the same weakness! Smart eh? (TAPS HIS NOSE AND WINKS)
MAN:
Oh yes sir, last thing they'll be expecting.
OFFICER:
Anyhoo, we like to keep things quite jovial, helps if you're a bit mad! We're all a bit bonkers round here! We regularly play golf on Endor, do you...play golf at all?
MAN:
(A LITTLE CONFUSED AND NERVOUS NOW) Er… well… I guess I could…
OFFICER:
Splendid! There's the Empire cup every 2 durations, where the officers play the troopers - we always win, they can't aim for toffee!
MAN:
Sir... the job?
OFFICER:
Ah yes, sorry about that you do have to stop me, I tend go off on a tangent. Only the other day I was talking to Boba Fett about the time Jabba got a birdie on the 4th at Tatooine - Tatooine! I still can't quite comprehend that, sand everywhere it's a real nightmare...
MAN:
Sir?
OFFICER:
Yes, well you seem fine to me, just the kind of recruit the Empire is looking for!
MAN:
I’ve hardly said anything Sir.
OFFICER:
Precisely! Thank you for coming in, I'm sure you'll be hearing from us one way or the other... (GIGGLES) No I’m joking… or am I? (BEAT) No I am, I am… just go… now.
END
A MAN SITS NERVOUSLY AT A DESK LOOKING AT THE EMPTY CHAIR OPPOSITE HIM, HE SCANS AROUND THE ROOM AND NOTICES THE MOTIVATIONAL POSTER SAYING “FAILURE: IS NOT AN OPTION” ADJACENT TO A POSTER OF THE LORD DARTH VADER POINTING, SAYING “I WANT YOU”.
AN OFFICER WEARING A GREY IMPERIAL UNIFORM ENTERS, SITS OPPOSITE THE MAN AND STARTS CHEERILY SHUFFLING HIS PAPERS.
OFFICER:
Soo, you're here for the new radar post role then, is that correct?
MAN:
Er… yes, sir, I am.
OFFICER:
Goood, well your CV looks up to scratch and I'm sure you're aware of the role profile?
MAN:
Well… n-not really sir, the recruitment agency said it was just for an operator for a new imperial project.
OFFICER:
Of course, of course, how absent minded I am! (LAUGHS JOVIALLY) Well, obviously we have a very strict failure policy here, but there are also perks to working for the Empire. Obviously the main being that we won't kill you! (LAUGHS) - Just a… little joke there… not strictly true… as failure could lead to death by telekenetic strangulation. But great opportunities in that vacancies do come round quite often, with chance for progression, it quite literally is "dead mans shoes" as they say! (LAUGHS)... But basically the job entails watching the radar screens allocated to you and ensuring that no rebel forces come bearing photon torpedoes again! (BEAT) Would you believe they made that shot?! Into a duct no bigger than a wamp-rat?! Unbelievable! (LOWERS VOICE AND LOOKS AROUND) Between you and me, I think Lord Vader is trying to find the pilot and offer him a job! Alderan knows we need good pilots, these clones are all bit backward you see, too much interbreeding in my opinion, can't be good. (SIGHS) But yes the duct, hardly worth putting it in the next one really is it, but the idea is to double bluff! They'll never expect us to use the exact same plans with the same weakness! Smart eh? (TAPS HIS NOSE AND WINKS)
MAN:
Oh yes sir, last thing they'll be expecting.
OFFICER:
Anyhoo, we like to keep things quite jovial, helps if you're a bit mad! We're all a bit bonkers round here! We regularly play golf on Endor, do you...play golf at all?
MAN:
(A LITTLE CONFUSED AND NERVOUS NOW) Er… well… I guess I could…
OFFICER:
Splendid! There's the Empire cup every 2 durations, where the officers play the troopers - we always win, they can't aim for toffee!
MAN:
Sir... the job?
OFFICER:
Ah yes, sorry about that you do have to stop me, I tend go off on a tangent. Only the other day I was talking to Boba Fett about the time Jabba got a birdie on the 4th at Tatooine - Tatooine! I still can't quite comprehend that, sand everywhere it's a real nightmare...
MAN:
Sir?
OFFICER:
Yes, well you seem fine to me, just the kind of recruit the Empire is looking for!
MAN:
I’ve hardly said anything Sir.
OFFICER:
Precisely! Thank you for coming in, I'm sure you'll be hearing from us one way or the other... (GIGGLES) No I’m joking… or am I? (BEAT) No I am, I am… just go… now.
END
Friday, 17 July 2009
Star Wars Deleted Scene - Decisions
INT: EMPERORS CHAMBER
VADER ENTERS
THE EMPEROR IS SAT ON A LARGE HIGH BACKED CHAIR AT HIS DESK WITH OPEN BOOKS COVERING THE SURFACE
Emperor:
Vader! Get over here!
Vader:
As you wish my master.
Emperor:
(MOTIONING TO THE BOOKS) What do you think for the colours for the new imperial guard uniforms? I was thinking red but don't want it to be too in your face, you know like I want them red but not RED red!
Vader:
(FLIPS UP THE MASK & SPEAKS NORMALLY) Red's good, I like red. As long as you don't go for the same design as this (POINTING UP & DOWN HIMSELF), it looks like something from an S & M catalogue.
(EMPEROR QUICKLY KNOCKS ONE OF THE BOOKS OFF OF THE DESK)
Vader:
And do I still have to call you "master" in front of other people? I know you like it when we're in here but I thought it was just a game you know like when we have “Jedi juice" and have sleepovers and stuff.
Emperor:
(IGNORING HIM) I originally thought of a nice yellow or mauve, but then I figured something more masculine like a blue, but that's a little too obvious, and the red says "evil guard" I think, especially if I combine them with these narrow eyed helmets with the black visors, they look so cool it's untrue!
Vader:
I do like those helmets, better design than these others, at least they don't look like giant coc..
Emperor:
We could have the black ones with the rounded front, coming to a point at the back. But they look like cycling helmets. (BEAT) And we’d have to put up no running signs in the hallways, if someone stops too quickly in front of you… (SHUDDERS)Ooh, makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Vader:
What about going for one like Boba Fett? He always seems a crowd favourite, and he looks well cool.
Emperor:
Yeh but he’s a contractor. He’ll probably have some kind of clause or protection on his outfit, you know what they’re like. Remember when we cloned his dad for the troopers? Cost me a fortune.
Vader:
Purple? I remember something someone said about you liking a purple helmet or something?
Emperor:
Nope, red. Red it shall be, long, round, smooth shafted, red headed warriors! That is how I like my men… as in troops men… not men… men…
Vader:
(FLIPS DOWN THE MASK & SPEAKS IN THE VOICE) As you wish...
AS VADER REACHES THE DOOR HE TURNS AND LOOKS BACK
Vader:
I'm sure there's a theme here somewhere... (SHAKES HEAD) Nope, can’t find one.
END
VADER ENTERS
THE EMPEROR IS SAT ON A LARGE HIGH BACKED CHAIR AT HIS DESK WITH OPEN BOOKS COVERING THE SURFACE
Emperor:
Vader! Get over here!
Vader:
As you wish my master.
Emperor:
(MOTIONING TO THE BOOKS) What do you think for the colours for the new imperial guard uniforms? I was thinking red but don't want it to be too in your face, you know like I want them red but not RED red!
Vader:
(FLIPS UP THE MASK & SPEAKS NORMALLY) Red's good, I like red. As long as you don't go for the same design as this (POINTING UP & DOWN HIMSELF), it looks like something from an S & M catalogue.
(EMPEROR QUICKLY KNOCKS ONE OF THE BOOKS OFF OF THE DESK)
Vader:
And do I still have to call you "master" in front of other people? I know you like it when we're in here but I thought it was just a game you know like when we have “Jedi juice" and have sleepovers and stuff.
Emperor:
(IGNORING HIM) I originally thought of a nice yellow or mauve, but then I figured something more masculine like a blue, but that's a little too obvious, and the red says "evil guard" I think, especially if I combine them with these narrow eyed helmets with the black visors, they look so cool it's untrue!
Vader:
I do like those helmets, better design than these others, at least they don't look like giant coc..
Emperor:
We could have the black ones with the rounded front, coming to a point at the back. But they look like cycling helmets. (BEAT) And we’d have to put up no running signs in the hallways, if someone stops too quickly in front of you… (SHUDDERS)Ooh, makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Vader:
What about going for one like Boba Fett? He always seems a crowd favourite, and he looks well cool.
Emperor:
Yeh but he’s a contractor. He’ll probably have some kind of clause or protection on his outfit, you know what they’re like. Remember when we cloned his dad for the troopers? Cost me a fortune.
Vader:
Purple? I remember something someone said about you liking a purple helmet or something?
Emperor:
Nope, red. Red it shall be, long, round, smooth shafted, red headed warriors! That is how I like my men… as in troops men… not men… men…
Vader:
(FLIPS DOWN THE MASK & SPEAKS IN THE VOICE) As you wish...
AS VADER REACHES THE DOOR HE TURNS AND LOOKS BACK
Vader:
I'm sure there's a theme here somewhere... (SHAKES HEAD) Nope, can’t find one.
END
Monday, 13 July 2009
Star Wars Deleted Scene - How Luke really found out...
Int: Corridor.
(OBI WAN WALKS TOWARDS LUKES ROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR…)
Obi Wan:
Luke, I...
(LUKE IS HUNCHED OVER HIS BUNK & SCRABBLES ABOUT QUICKLY)
Luke:
Dammit Ben, can't you knock or call or use the force or something ?!
Obi Wan:
I'm sorry, were you...busy?
Luke:
I was...yes I was...studying something...really hard.
Obi Wan:
What's that you've got there Luke? Is that a picture?
Luke:
No!(BEAT) Yeh...
Obi Wan:
Is that a picture of, of Leia?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
In the gold bikini?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
(SIGHS) oh dear, I think we need to have a chat abo...
Luke:
Look I know what you're going to say, and it's perfectly natural for someone my age and my eyesight's fine I could still hit a wamp rat from my T-16...
Obi Wan:
Not about that! About Leia she's...
Luke:
Sexy eh? She's really fiery and strong, a bit dominant isn't she? I imagine her being domineering sometimes, you know with big boots and a light whip and stuff, she's got cracking jebs too, especially in that bikini, one time I pictured her in the shower with my light sabre hilt and she's....
Obi Wan:
Your sister...
Luke:
Shit...
END
(OBI WAN WALKS TOWARDS LUKES ROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR…)
Obi Wan:
Luke, I...
(LUKE IS HUNCHED OVER HIS BUNK & SCRABBLES ABOUT QUICKLY)
Luke:
Dammit Ben, can't you knock or call or use the force or something ?!
Obi Wan:
I'm sorry, were you...busy?
Luke:
I was...yes I was...studying something...really hard.
Obi Wan:
What's that you've got there Luke? Is that a picture?
Luke:
No!(BEAT) Yeh...
Obi Wan:
Is that a picture of, of Leia?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
In the gold bikini?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
(SIGHS) oh dear, I think we need to have a chat abo...
Luke:
Look I know what you're going to say, and it's perfectly natural for someone my age and my eyesight's fine I could still hit a wamp rat from my T-16...
Obi Wan:
Not about that! About Leia she's...
Luke:
Sexy eh? She's really fiery and strong, a bit dominant isn't she? I imagine her being domineering sometimes, you know with big boots and a light whip and stuff, she's got cracking jebs too, especially in that bikini, one time I pictured her in the shower with my light sabre hilt and she's....
Obi Wan:
Your sister...
Luke:
Shit...
END
Banoffee Pie?
Ever since Keira Knightley pouted those words in Love Actually, I've been intrigued by it. Banoffee, everything about it just sounds indulgent, and conjures images of a gooey sweet caramel-like substance. So recently I purchased some Banoffee Cheesecake slices, I won't say where from but they weren't just Banoffee Cheesecake slices...
So as the mrs and I are tucking in she says, "is there banana in this?" My reply, "Is there banana in a Ban-offee slice?" "Well is there?" "Do you not think the Ban might be Banana?" "Well it's just it tastes quite like those Banana Toffees you can get" "Yeh, do you not think that the word Banoffee is a bit like a combination of the words Banana and Toffee?" "oh yeh, I thought it was chocolate... what's Tiramisu then?"
Incidentally, they were very nice.
So as the mrs and I are tucking in she says, "is there banana in this?" My reply, "Is there banana in a Ban-offee slice?" "Well is there?" "Do you not think the Ban might be Banana?" "Well it's just it tastes quite like those Banana Toffees you can get" "Yeh, do you not think that the word Banoffee is a bit like a combination of the words Banana and Toffee?" "oh yeh, I thought it was chocolate... what's Tiramisu then?"
Incidentally, they were very nice.
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Holiday!!
Greetings!
Just got back from the Canaries! The islands, not a swarm of small yellow birds hellbent on revenge for their ancestors being sent down mines to check for...anyway so I've just got back.
Nice break, lovely weather, good food. The flight was funny, after about 10mins as is customary the Co-Pilot comes on the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen if you would like to participate in our inflight entertainment today, we'll be showing you a trailer of the films available and the cabin crew will be making their way through the cabin with headsets available at just £2.50 each".
We were fine, we had the Ipod but nevertheless there then followed a 5-10 minute trailer of Quantum of Solace showing all the car chases, fights, explosions, making it look really good. The headsets were flying out, and about 10 minutes later he came on again: "Ladies and Gentlemen for those of you partaking in our inflight entertainment, we'll now be showing todays movie, which is High School Musical 3"!!!!
Brilliant!!
Just got back from the Canaries! The islands, not a swarm of small yellow birds hellbent on revenge for their ancestors being sent down mines to check for...anyway so I've just got back.
Nice break, lovely weather, good food. The flight was funny, after about 10mins as is customary the Co-Pilot comes on the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen if you would like to participate in our inflight entertainment today, we'll be showing you a trailer of the films available and the cabin crew will be making their way through the cabin with headsets available at just £2.50 each".
We were fine, we had the Ipod but nevertheless there then followed a 5-10 minute trailer of Quantum of Solace showing all the car chases, fights, explosions, making it look really good. The headsets were flying out, and about 10 minutes later he came on again: "Ladies and Gentlemen for those of you partaking in our inflight entertainment, we'll now be showing todays movie, which is High School Musical 3"!!!!
Brilliant!!
Sunday, 1 February 2009
Musical legends? Rubbish!
Media is a very powerful thing, I've touched briefly on it being responsible for making absolute nobodies into celebrities by insisting on telling us their every move and plastering them on the front pages for no real reason – Paris. But it also tells us how to look, what's socially acceptable and the topic of this column, what music we should be listening to. Now I realise that at the moment its cool to be different and like what society tells us not to, usually a lot of noise and shouting by male people who like to wear eye makeup, and are mad at their parents. But society still tells us who our so called musical legends are, did anyone decide these people were legends? Did we agree, or are we just going along with it. Take the Rolling Stones for example, they were big in the sixties, well so was British Leyland, if you were to stop now and listen back, were they actually any good? I think they were crap, and basically David Bowie's whole career, what was that about?! How did these people get famous, surely when people finally sobered up from whatever chemicals and plants they'd been devouring they realised it was complete rubbish. Kate Bush!! People say Mariah Carey communicates to dolphins when she sings, Kate was doing it 20 years before! What a complete load of drivel, I laughed when I heard Wuthering Heights I thought it was a novelty record! Rod Stewart, Do ya think I'm sexy? Funnily enough Rod, no, you are infact one of the ugliest people on the planet, and that includes Donatella Versace, and that bird from Everything but the Girl. But who will be the Legends of the future? Oasis? I bought What’s the Story? And was well into them, I still think that album was our generations' Dark Side of the Moon, everybody owned a copy, but essentially they copied the Beatles. Madonna? God I hope not, she just doesn't know when to call it a day. My money's on the Fast Food Rockers…
Police!!
I've done it, I've broken the law, I am now a criminal. My crime, the most despicable of all, talking on my phone, whilst driving….
I can see the concern here in that because I'm using my ears and mouth to have a conversation, I may spontaneously develop colour blindness and not be able to decipher the traffic light system. Or become so engrossed in my chat that I inadvertently forget all my years of driving experience and that you're not supposed to drive on the pavement and collect people in your grille. Of course the kind officers with whom I dealt with didn’t see it this way and said something about using both hands to drive, or whatever.
They caught me fair and square but I feel the handbrake turn and consequent chase through traffic with lights and sirens were a bit "OTT" considering the level of my crime. I saw them coming in the opposite direction, they saw me, saw the phone. I looked in the rear view to see them spin around, hit the lights and give chase, funnily enough I then dropped my phone. At this point I did what most people do and pretended that I hadn’t done anything and wasn't in trouble, I stared straight ahead, turned up my stereo and wound down my window (trying to create circumstances unsuitable for phone use to reason with later). I then did the surprised "who me?" sideways glance as the rozzers pulled alongside me to "persuade" me off the road. The only place safe to pull over was a car park in the middle of a retail park, surrounded by a McDonalds, Curry's and Focus DIY, and lots of shoppers. After it was made clear they would not be coming to me, I was beckoned to the car, and then redirected to the other side, and then to get into the back of the car. It was a big Volvo T5 meaning that to talk to the nice officers I had to hold on to the backs of the front seats and lean forward like an excited child trying to see the interesting stuff his dad did to make the car move. They asked why they'd pulled me over, I did think "if you don't know I'm not going to tell you" but common sense won the battle, well almost, I tried to blag it. "I bet you saw me answer the phone" "Yes you were on your phone" " I literally picked it up to say I'm sorry I'm driving, I'll call you back" "Then Sir, that beggars the question why answer to say you can’t speak?"
Shit, this clearly wasn't going to work. So after the textbook chastising and belittling about hands free kits, they gave me a ticket for 3 points and a £60 fine. I said was worried about the effect of the points on my insurance, this was the following conversation between the two coppers. "Well, IF you choose to declare it, it won’t matter anyway, I got 6 points and it didn’t affect me" "6?! Is that all you got, I've got more than that and mine's not affected"
I didn’t have any until you two jokers pulled me over! It's not a competition!! I thought "bloody hell I'm in Superbad! That makes me Mclovin!" And one of them was a fellow strawberry blonde, what ever happened to solidarity?
I can see the concern here in that because I'm using my ears and mouth to have a conversation, I may spontaneously develop colour blindness and not be able to decipher the traffic light system. Or become so engrossed in my chat that I inadvertently forget all my years of driving experience and that you're not supposed to drive on the pavement and collect people in your grille. Of course the kind officers with whom I dealt with didn’t see it this way and said something about using both hands to drive, or whatever.
They caught me fair and square but I feel the handbrake turn and consequent chase through traffic with lights and sirens were a bit "OTT" considering the level of my crime. I saw them coming in the opposite direction, they saw me, saw the phone. I looked in the rear view to see them spin around, hit the lights and give chase, funnily enough I then dropped my phone. At this point I did what most people do and pretended that I hadn’t done anything and wasn't in trouble, I stared straight ahead, turned up my stereo and wound down my window (trying to create circumstances unsuitable for phone use to reason with later). I then did the surprised "who me?" sideways glance as the rozzers pulled alongside me to "persuade" me off the road. The only place safe to pull over was a car park in the middle of a retail park, surrounded by a McDonalds, Curry's and Focus DIY, and lots of shoppers. After it was made clear they would not be coming to me, I was beckoned to the car, and then redirected to the other side, and then to get into the back of the car. It was a big Volvo T5 meaning that to talk to the nice officers I had to hold on to the backs of the front seats and lean forward like an excited child trying to see the interesting stuff his dad did to make the car move. They asked why they'd pulled me over, I did think "if you don't know I'm not going to tell you" but common sense won the battle, well almost, I tried to blag it. "I bet you saw me answer the phone" "Yes you were on your phone" " I literally picked it up to say I'm sorry I'm driving, I'll call you back" "Then Sir, that beggars the question why answer to say you can’t speak?"
Shit, this clearly wasn't going to work. So after the textbook chastising and belittling about hands free kits, they gave me a ticket for 3 points and a £60 fine. I said was worried about the effect of the points on my insurance, this was the following conversation between the two coppers. "Well, IF you choose to declare it, it won’t matter anyway, I got 6 points and it didn’t affect me" "6?! Is that all you got, I've got more than that and mine's not affected"
I didn’t have any until you two jokers pulled me over! It's not a competition!! I thought "bloody hell I'm in Superbad! That makes me Mclovin!" And one of them was a fellow strawberry blonde, what ever happened to solidarity?
Friday, 14 November 2008
A year on....
Well it's been almost a year, I'm still here. Look at everything that's happened; the credit crunch, the global bank crisis, the millions of people unemployed - and what was the headline in last weeks Daily Star? Britney's Sextape up for sale. What would we do without these important life or death updates? If we never heard about what doorway Winehouse had been found in, or how many drugs charges Doherty's managed to avoid because a sad, greasy, spotty and no doubt never had a social life or any kind of exposure to decent music bunch of students bought his album once. To be honest I'd be on google looking for the pics of Britney with no pants on. In this time of turmoil, maybe we need to divert our attention on the nobheaded celebs that we have made famous by insisting to give these wasters coloumn inches. The next one of which will be a Ms Baillie. She will be made famous by forcing the resignation of Russell Brand and suspension of Jonathan Ross - oh and the online sextapes and her porn work - but how dare Russell say he had sex with her and ruin her otherwise untarnished, pure, virginal reputation.
Do you know how many complaints were received at the time of broadcast? 4, just 4, and they were complaints about JR swearing, of which there had been a warning previously, so they should have been discounted also. Then 2 weeks after a media circus and people finally finding a scapegoat so they didn't have to talk about banks anymore, over 24,000 complaints were registered. To these people I simply say throw away your membership to the Mary Whitehouse fanclub, go out, find a girl, or a boy, and spend some time with the opposite sex for once in your life.
Aahhh it's good to be back...
Do you know how many complaints were received at the time of broadcast? 4, just 4, and they were complaints about JR swearing, of which there had been a warning previously, so they should have been discounted also. Then 2 weeks after a media circus and people finally finding a scapegoat so they didn't have to talk about banks anymore, over 24,000 complaints were registered. To these people I simply say throw away your membership to the Mary Whitehouse fanclub, go out, find a girl, or a boy, and spend some time with the opposite sex for once in your life.
Aahhh it's good to be back...
Thursday, 29 November 2007
Bored...
God I'm bored! It's amazing what you do when you're bored isn't it? Somehow I always seem to find myself on the internet, for some reason my mind thinks of things like; what happened to the cast of California Dreams? - Who cares?! - I wonder if they have a Pontiac Trans am on Ebay...- Why?! - Today I actually found myself on the Halfords website looking at Caravan accessories - I don't have a caravan, I don't have a tow bar, I don't even have a tent and I'm not about to start and get one. Sorry guys but any weekend that results in me hiking for half a mile, carrying a large plastic tub of human excrement is off my agenda. I'd rather watch Cricket, and that's saying something, what a boring game that is. I can't believe we have a game where you actually stop in the middle to have tea, and it can take up to 5 days to finish and still be a draw!!
I was that bored today, I could've watched Jeremy Kyle. Who is this joker? And which Psychology school did he spend a weeks work experience at? I'll give him his due, he's the only one who tells them how it is; "Your problem, is your a fat chav who can't keep your legs closed!" I could never hear good old Kilroy saying that! And just how bloody good is this guys technology? It takes the Police 4 weeks to analyse a DNA sample - he has it after the break!
Get a hobby? I have one, I play the guitar. I was in a music shop only a week or so ago, and I hate it because there's always someone who knows more than you or can play better. I always get really self conscious trying one out because everyone can hear what you're playing, and the guy who owns the place scowling thinking "if I hear House of the Rising Sun or Stairway to Heaven one more time..." Then in comes the 12 year old kid who picks any guitar up and starts jamming on it like Clapton, from one of these weird families who don't have a TV or computers and just sit round singing songs and playing instruments and being happy all the time - just like that band on this years X factor, "Incest" - sorry, "Same Difference". I've called them that from the start, I think Incest is much catchier and really captures their image, my friends have even started calling them it now, it's really taking off!
I was that bored today, I could've watched Jeremy Kyle. Who is this joker? And which Psychology school did he spend a weeks work experience at? I'll give him his due, he's the only one who tells them how it is; "Your problem, is your a fat chav who can't keep your legs closed!" I could never hear good old Kilroy saying that! And just how bloody good is this guys technology? It takes the Police 4 weeks to analyse a DNA sample - he has it after the break!
Get a hobby? I have one, I play the guitar. I was in a music shop only a week or so ago, and I hate it because there's always someone who knows more than you or can play better. I always get really self conscious trying one out because everyone can hear what you're playing, and the guy who owns the place scowling thinking "if I hear House of the Rising Sun or Stairway to Heaven one more time..." Then in comes the 12 year old kid who picks any guitar up and starts jamming on it like Clapton, from one of these weird families who don't have a TV or computers and just sit round singing songs and playing instruments and being happy all the time - just like that band on this years X factor, "Incest" - sorry, "Same Difference". I've called them that from the start, I think Incest is much catchier and really captures their image, my friends have even started calling them it now, it's really taking off!
Saturday, 10 November 2007
Networking? No thanks...
I enjoy meeting people, let me re-phrase that, I enjoy meeting people that I think I'll get on with and can entertain. I hate being forced into social networking situations -you know what I mean, the works' team conferences where some liberal, tie-wearing jobsworth thinks it'd be a great idea to split you away from people you've actually managed to find something in common with, and stick you with a bunch of suits who love nothing more than to tell you every detail of their job, and expect you do the same with as much conviction and vigour. I don't want to talk to these people, I'm not interested in their job or what their dog's called and I can't be bothered to talk about mine. These are not people I would choose as friends so why waste my time, I have as much in common with them as Shaun Ryder does with the Pope.
Likewise, if I choose to lose touch with someone or not contact them, the chances are there's a good reason. Then I get a message on bloody facebook. What is this crap? Everybody raves about it, my girlfriend spends hours on it, doing what, I don't know - I set up a page and sat saying "right, what do I do now?" and that was it, until I got a message saying I been bitten and was now a werewolf - what?! Then I got another saying I had bitten and was a vampire - I was werewolf a minute ago! Then I got one saying my mate had sent me pint, "sweet! Where is it?" so I clicked it "You enjoyed that" - did I? I never saw the bloody thing - and the first time I got a message saying AP wants a slippery nipple I wondered what the hell I'd gotten into!
I got myspace too, what a load of jokers on there! It's full of folk pretending to be celebrities, there are about 15 George Lucas' - well 15 teenage boys pretending to be George Lucas. One of them almost convinced me till I saw the message from his mate saying "Maths was shit today eh?"
Likewise, if I choose to lose touch with someone or not contact them, the chances are there's a good reason. Then I get a message on bloody facebook. What is this crap? Everybody raves about it, my girlfriend spends hours on it, doing what, I don't know - I set up a page and sat saying "right, what do I do now?" and that was it, until I got a message saying I been bitten and was now a werewolf - what?! Then I got another saying I had bitten and was a vampire - I was werewolf a minute ago! Then I got one saying my mate had sent me pint, "sweet! Where is it?" so I clicked it "You enjoyed that" - did I? I never saw the bloody thing - and the first time I got a message saying AP wants a slippery nipple I wondered what the hell I'd gotten into!
I got myspace too, what a load of jokers on there! It's full of folk pretending to be celebrities, there are about 15 George Lucas' - well 15 teenage boys pretending to be George Lucas. One of them almost convinced me till I saw the message from his mate saying "Maths was shit today eh?"
Saturday, 27 October 2007
Shower problem
Who invented the push button shower? You know the ones you get in public changing rooms like gyms and swimming baths. I mean, what's the whole idea? What was wrong with turning the knob? Instead we have to devise away of keeping the button pressed and washing at the same time, otherwise you push the button, have a rinse - well, try to after the initial freezing and then subsequent scalding you seem to get as the temperature regulates. It's like "phew that's cold, getting a bit warmer now, oh yes that's nice, bit warmer, ooh getting a bit hot now... JESUS CHRIST!
So, you push the button, have a rinse, go for the shower gel, squeeze a big splodge into your hand... and the bloody thing turns off. So you can choose to either; keep your hand on the button and try wash yourself one handed, while simultaneously switching hands on the button, with that look of concentration on your face that resembles a constipated chimp. OR you can try and be clever and lean back, holding the button in with your back, freeing up both hands... actually, yes that's a better option.
This is of course until you decide to get out, then the bugger stays on twice as long "right, I'll get out when it finishes this time... any second...any second... any second now?..."
So, you push the button, have a rinse, go for the shower gel, squeeze a big splodge into your hand... and the bloody thing turns off. So you can choose to either; keep your hand on the button and try wash yourself one handed, while simultaneously switching hands on the button, with that look of concentration on your face that resembles a constipated chimp. OR you can try and be clever and lean back, holding the button in with your back, freeing up both hands... actually, yes that's a better option.
This is of course until you decide to get out, then the bugger stays on twice as long "right, I'll get out when it finishes this time... any second...any second... any second now?..."
Air Hostess?
Are air hostesses a completely different colour to everyone else?
They're like a new breed of person specially created in a lab by the flight companies, specially programmed to be nice and serve peanuts - try making one cry it's impossible, they're like an attendant at Disneyland. "Hello sir, ok sir? Have a nice day sir, missing you already!.."
Rolled off a production line on a conveyor belt where they get spray painted, they're not quite brown, definitely not white, more an orangey with a touch of jaundice - like a rusty General Lee. And of course the bright cherry lipped grin that must be sprayed through a stencil. Also you never see a retired or ex-air hostess, that's because they're fitted with an expiry date. They had to do that after 2 of them escaped from the factory, their boobs were over inflated and they were for the rejects bin but managed to break free when the mechanical grabber couldn't contain their expansive chests. They were then taken in by a lads magazine company and changed their names to Jordan and Jodie.
And I've finally worked out what that smell is in the duty free perfume shops, you know that amalgamation of all the different scents that somehow makes every shop smell the same regardless of which perfumes they're selling - it's the air hostesses.
Bottled air steward,.. eau de trolley dolly.
You'll notice a few different names there; air hostess, air stewardess, air steward, this is mainly because I have no bloody idea what the correct term is these days as they all seem to cause offence. I'll just stick to the "oreet luv".
They're like a new breed of person specially created in a lab by the flight companies, specially programmed to be nice and serve peanuts - try making one cry it's impossible, they're like an attendant at Disneyland. "Hello sir, ok sir? Have a nice day sir, missing you already!.."
Rolled off a production line on a conveyor belt where they get spray painted, they're not quite brown, definitely not white, more an orangey with a touch of jaundice - like a rusty General Lee. And of course the bright cherry lipped grin that must be sprayed through a stencil. Also you never see a retired or ex-air hostess, that's because they're fitted with an expiry date. They had to do that after 2 of them escaped from the factory, their boobs were over inflated and they were for the rejects bin but managed to break free when the mechanical grabber couldn't contain their expansive chests. They were then taken in by a lads magazine company and changed their names to Jordan and Jodie.
And I've finally worked out what that smell is in the duty free perfume shops, you know that amalgamation of all the different scents that somehow makes every shop smell the same regardless of which perfumes they're selling - it's the air hostesses.
Bottled air steward,.. eau de trolley dolly.
You'll notice a few different names there; air hostess, air stewardess, air steward, this is mainly because I have no bloody idea what the correct term is these days as they all seem to cause offence. I'll just stick to the "oreet luv".
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
No Internet!!
You'll notice a gap since the last post, partly because I've been on holiday but also I've had no internet!! What did we do before the internet? I felt like I was going cold turkey or something, sat there going mad rubbing my hands on my legs! And these call centre help lines a crap! I don't care who you service provider is they all say the same thing, "have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?" Oh well, shit on me, I never thought of that! No I just sat there licking my screen, trying to entice it into connecting you pillock!! The PC companies are the same no matter what the issue, "Hi, yeh I accidentically spilled water on my keyboard and now it doesn't work" "Hmm, have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?"
"Hi, er after my PC froze for the 5th time in as many minutes I inadvertantly threw it out of the window, where it landed on the windscreen of a passing car, causing it to swerve and hit a bus stop, knocking it down - the bus went passed not seeing the stop and 7 people were stood shouting at me cos they missed their bus" "Hmm, have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?"
I've tried blinding them with science too, really trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about in the hope they'll treat me like someone who doesn't have difficulties opening a packet of peanuts. " Hi, I'm having a problem linking to my DNS sever through databridge via my wireless SAN - any ideas?"
"Well... if you try switching it off for 10 seconds....."
"Hi, er after my PC froze for the 5th time in as many minutes I inadvertantly threw it out of the window, where it landed on the windscreen of a passing car, causing it to swerve and hit a bus stop, knocking it down - the bus went passed not seeing the stop and 7 people were stood shouting at me cos they missed their bus" "Hmm, have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?"
I've tried blinding them with science too, really trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about in the hope they'll treat me like someone who doesn't have difficulties opening a packet of peanuts. " Hi, I'm having a problem linking to my DNS sever through databridge via my wireless SAN - any ideas?"
"Well... if you try switching it off for 10 seconds....."
Tuesday, 9 October 2007
Moving in...
My girlfriend and I have been living together for about almost two years, interesting experience moving in together. Apologies for all the Star Wars references but when I mention one it reminds me of another. I feel like I’m in the “Episode 3” phase. I’ve seen the end product, Darth Vader, in my mum. Then I saw my sweet loving girlfriend, like Anakin in Episode 1. Now I’m in the transitional period, seeing that once sweet innocent person slowly completing their transformation to the dark side. People say you find out about each other, it’s true you do. You find out each others little obsessive compulsive things, I don’t mean turning the light on and off 15 times before entering a room, I mean like... washing up when there’s still clean plates left in the cupboard (?!). But they find out about us too, about when we take our boxers off in the morning, we have to flick them up with our foot and try catch them.
The toilet seat chestnut makes me laugh, surely if there are 2 people in the household, one male one female, it’s just as inconsiderate to leave the seat down as it is up – and lets just analyse this logically, who goes to the toilet more? Men will go once in the morning, again around lunch time / afternoon, as soon as we get in from work and again before we go to bed for number 1’s, 2’s maybe 3’s if it’s been a slow week. Women go once in the morning, always straight after work - and manage to beat you there first - before bed and usually whenever you suggest sex “nope sorry – need a wee” - no? Just me then!
Someone once asked me, - we were a few beers into conversation and talking about the inevitable rampant rabbits and such – they asked me "what would you do if you found your girlfriend with one?" I said "simple, you know when your mum and dad caught you smoking and made you smoke a full pack while they watched…"
The toilet seat chestnut makes me laugh, surely if there are 2 people in the household, one male one female, it’s just as inconsiderate to leave the seat down as it is up – and lets just analyse this logically, who goes to the toilet more? Men will go once in the morning, again around lunch time / afternoon, as soon as we get in from work and again before we go to bed for number 1’s, 2’s maybe 3’s if it’s been a slow week. Women go once in the morning, always straight after work - and manage to beat you there first - before bed and usually whenever you suggest sex “nope sorry – need a wee” - no? Just me then!
Someone once asked me, - we were a few beers into conversation and talking about the inevitable rampant rabbits and such – they asked me "what would you do if you found your girlfriend with one?" I said "simple, you know when your mum and dad caught you smoking and made you smoke a full pack while they watched…"
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