A copy of my recent letter to Top Gear...

Dear Top Gear,

In thinking of how to address this I considered; “Gentlemen”, or “Colleagues”, but I’ve come to think of you as Friends, given that I see you on a weekly basis, enjoy your company, and always take your advice over that of my parents.

I write to you with a cry for help, over the last few months I’ve found myself at the mercy of my wife’s Ford Streetka.

Firstly, let’s gloss over the general embarrassment of being a man seen driving one, and that when turned upside down it clearly says “Matchbox Hairdresser Series 2003”. Let’s start with the visibility for example, it has one of those flexible plastic rear windows, so the rear-view mirror is useless – which is lucky, considering mine fell off. Then there’s the turning circle, under a full lock it will scuff the kerbs performing a turn in the road, and is only capable of “swinging” into a car parking space, when three are available side by side. This leads me to think that rather than model it on the sprightly, 1.3i standard Ka, which corners like a Mini in the Italian Job, they’ve somehow based it on the Transit Van. Then there’s that constant pain that drives through your left leg whenever you’re in the car, what is that? Oh that’s right, the dashboard.
The 1.6 zetec engine has no bottom end torque, is full of flat-spots and generally feels sluggish, get to 50mph however and the power comes and takes you to 85 in a heart beat, which is useful given the speed limit on most UK roads is 60. If you do choose to take it on the motorway, I recommend you take a member of your family that normally bores you senseless, as they’ll be able to witter endlessly at you, without you hearing a thing. Don’t look for fuel economy out of this small 2 seater either, it returns about 24 miles to the gallon.
I recently tried to change a headlight bulb, and it took the best part of an hour due to the keyhole surgery I had to perform to get to the old one. Although it would have been fine if I’d had hands the size of a child, and the ability to see through metal.

In short I’m asking you to help me, I’m currently looking for a new car and the plan is to part ex this one. I don’t know what your process is for the cars you use, whether they’re donated or you purchase them. But if you do see fit to furnish me with the current part ex value for this car, I would be more than happy to see this one blown up, shot at, smashed to pieces, played conkers with, drowned, driven off a cliff, crushed, burned, inserted into the rectum of a larger equally frustrating car, catapulted, pelted with caravans and or buried in a time capsule so that people of the future may learn from our mistakes.

Thanks in anticipation.