God I'm bored! It's amazing what you do when you're bored isn't it? Somehow I always seem to find myself on the internet, for some reason my mind thinks of things like; what happened to the cast of California Dreams? - Who cares?! - I wonder if they have a Pontiac Trans am on Ebay...- Why?! - Today I actually found myself on the Halfords website looking at Caravan accessories - I don't have a caravan, I don't have a tow bar, I don't even have a tent and I'm not about to start and get one. Sorry guys but any weekend that results in me hiking for half a mile, carrying a large plastic tub of human excrement is off my agenda. I'd rather watch Cricket, and that's saying something, what a boring game that is. I can't believe we have a game where you actually stop in the middle to have tea, and it can take up to 5 days to finish and still be a draw!!
I was that bored today, I could've watched Jeremy Kyle. Who is this joker? And which Psychology school did he spend a weeks work experience at? I'll give him his due, he's the only one who tells them how it is; "Your problem, is your a fat chav who can't keep your legs closed!" I could never hear good old Kilroy saying that! And just how bloody good is this guys technology? It takes the Police 4 weeks to analyse a DNA sample - he has it after the break!
Get a hobby? I have one, I play the guitar. I was in a music shop only a week or so ago, and I hate it because there's always someone who knows more than you or can play better. I always get really self conscious trying one out because everyone can hear what you're playing, and the guy who owns the place scowling thinking "if I hear House of the Rising Sun or Stairway to Heaven one more time..." Then in comes the 12 year old kid who picks any guitar up and starts jamming on it like Clapton, from one of these weird families who don't have a TV or computers and just sit round singing songs and playing instruments and being happy all the time - just like that band on this years X factor, "Incest" - sorry, "Same Difference". I've called them that from the start, I think Incest is much catchier and really captures their image, my friends have even started calling them it now, it's really taking off!
Thursday 29 November 2007
Saturday 10 November 2007
Networking? No thanks...
I enjoy meeting people, let me re-phrase that, I enjoy meeting people that I think I'll get on with and can entertain. I hate being forced into social networking situations -you know what I mean, the works' team conferences where some liberal, tie-wearing jobsworth thinks it'd be a great idea to split you away from people you've actually managed to find something in common with, and stick you with a bunch of suits who love nothing more than to tell you every detail of their job, and expect you do the same with as much conviction and vigour. I don't want to talk to these people, I'm not interested in their job or what their dog's called and I can't be bothered to talk about mine. These are not people I would choose as friends so why waste my time, I have as much in common with them as Shaun Ryder does with the Pope.
Likewise, if I choose to lose touch with someone or not contact them, the chances are there's a good reason. Then I get a message on bloody facebook. What is this crap? Everybody raves about it, my girlfriend spends hours on it, doing what, I don't know - I set up a page and sat saying "right, what do I do now?" and that was it, until I got a message saying I been bitten and was now a werewolf - what?! Then I got another saying I had bitten and was a vampire - I was werewolf a minute ago! Then I got one saying my mate had sent me pint, "sweet! Where is it?" so I clicked it "You enjoyed that" - did I? I never saw the bloody thing - and the first time I got a message saying AP wants a slippery nipple I wondered what the hell I'd gotten into!
I got myspace too, what a load of jokers on there! It's full of folk pretending to be celebrities, there are about 15 George Lucas' - well 15 teenage boys pretending to be George Lucas. One of them almost convinced me till I saw the message from his mate saying "Maths was shit today eh?"
Likewise, if I choose to lose touch with someone or not contact them, the chances are there's a good reason. Then I get a message on bloody facebook. What is this crap? Everybody raves about it, my girlfriend spends hours on it, doing what, I don't know - I set up a page and sat saying "right, what do I do now?" and that was it, until I got a message saying I been bitten and was now a werewolf - what?! Then I got another saying I had bitten and was a vampire - I was werewolf a minute ago! Then I got one saying my mate had sent me pint, "sweet! Where is it?" so I clicked it "You enjoyed that" - did I? I never saw the bloody thing - and the first time I got a message saying AP wants a slippery nipple I wondered what the hell I'd gotten into!
I got myspace too, what a load of jokers on there! It's full of folk pretending to be celebrities, there are about 15 George Lucas' - well 15 teenage boys pretending to be George Lucas. One of them almost convinced me till I saw the message from his mate saying "Maths was shit today eh?"
Saturday 27 October 2007
Shower problem
Who invented the push button shower? You know the ones you get in public changing rooms like gyms and swimming baths. I mean, what's the whole idea? What was wrong with turning the knob? Instead we have to devise away of keeping the button pressed and washing at the same time, otherwise you push the button, have a rinse - well, try to after the initial freezing and then subsequent scalding you seem to get as the temperature regulates. It's like "phew that's cold, getting a bit warmer now, oh yes that's nice, bit warmer, ooh getting a bit hot now... JESUS CHRIST!
So, you push the button, have a rinse, go for the shower gel, squeeze a big splodge into your hand... and the bloody thing turns off. So you can choose to either; keep your hand on the button and try wash yourself one handed, while simultaneously switching hands on the button, with that look of concentration on your face that resembles a constipated chimp. OR you can try and be clever and lean back, holding the button in with your back, freeing up both hands... actually, yes that's a better option.
This is of course until you decide to get out, then the bugger stays on twice as long "right, I'll get out when it finishes this time... any second...any second... any second now?..."
So, you push the button, have a rinse, go for the shower gel, squeeze a big splodge into your hand... and the bloody thing turns off. So you can choose to either; keep your hand on the button and try wash yourself one handed, while simultaneously switching hands on the button, with that look of concentration on your face that resembles a constipated chimp. OR you can try and be clever and lean back, holding the button in with your back, freeing up both hands... actually, yes that's a better option.
This is of course until you decide to get out, then the bugger stays on twice as long "right, I'll get out when it finishes this time... any second...any second... any second now?..."
Air Hostess?
Are air hostesses a completely different colour to everyone else?
They're like a new breed of person specially created in a lab by the flight companies, specially programmed to be nice and serve peanuts - try making one cry it's impossible, they're like an attendant at Disneyland. "Hello sir, ok sir? Have a nice day sir, missing you already!.."
Rolled off a production line on a conveyor belt where they get spray painted, they're not quite brown, definitely not white, more an orangey with a touch of jaundice - like a rusty General Lee. And of course the bright cherry lipped grin that must be sprayed through a stencil. Also you never see a retired or ex-air hostess, that's because they're fitted with an expiry date. They had to do that after 2 of them escaped from the factory, their boobs were over inflated and they were for the rejects bin but managed to break free when the mechanical grabber couldn't contain their expansive chests. They were then taken in by a lads magazine company and changed their names to Jordan and Jodie.
And I've finally worked out what that smell is in the duty free perfume shops, you know that amalgamation of all the different scents that somehow makes every shop smell the same regardless of which perfumes they're selling - it's the air hostesses.
Bottled air steward,.. eau de trolley dolly.
You'll notice a few different names there; air hostess, air stewardess, air steward, this is mainly because I have no bloody idea what the correct term is these days as they all seem to cause offence. I'll just stick to the "oreet luv".
They're like a new breed of person specially created in a lab by the flight companies, specially programmed to be nice and serve peanuts - try making one cry it's impossible, they're like an attendant at Disneyland. "Hello sir, ok sir? Have a nice day sir, missing you already!.."
Rolled off a production line on a conveyor belt where they get spray painted, they're not quite brown, definitely not white, more an orangey with a touch of jaundice - like a rusty General Lee. And of course the bright cherry lipped grin that must be sprayed through a stencil. Also you never see a retired or ex-air hostess, that's because they're fitted with an expiry date. They had to do that after 2 of them escaped from the factory, their boobs were over inflated and they were for the rejects bin but managed to break free when the mechanical grabber couldn't contain their expansive chests. They were then taken in by a lads magazine company and changed their names to Jordan and Jodie.
And I've finally worked out what that smell is in the duty free perfume shops, you know that amalgamation of all the different scents that somehow makes every shop smell the same regardless of which perfumes they're selling - it's the air hostesses.
Bottled air steward,.. eau de trolley dolly.
You'll notice a few different names there; air hostess, air stewardess, air steward, this is mainly because I have no bloody idea what the correct term is these days as they all seem to cause offence. I'll just stick to the "oreet luv".
Wednesday 24 October 2007
No Internet!!
You'll notice a gap since the last post, partly because I've been on holiday but also I've had no internet!! What did we do before the internet? I felt like I was going cold turkey or something, sat there going mad rubbing my hands on my legs! And these call centre help lines a crap! I don't care who you service provider is they all say the same thing, "have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?" Oh well, shit on me, I never thought of that! No I just sat there licking my screen, trying to entice it into connecting you pillock!! The PC companies are the same no matter what the issue, "Hi, yeh I accidentically spilled water on my keyboard and now it doesn't work" "Hmm, have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?"
"Hi, er after my PC froze for the 5th time in as many minutes I inadvertantly threw it out of the window, where it landed on the windscreen of a passing car, causing it to swerve and hit a bus stop, knocking it down - the bus went passed not seeing the stop and 7 people were stood shouting at me cos they missed their bus" "Hmm, have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?"
I've tried blinding them with science too, really trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about in the hope they'll treat me like someone who doesn't have difficulties opening a packet of peanuts. " Hi, I'm having a problem linking to my DNS sever through databridge via my wireless SAN - any ideas?"
"Well... if you try switching it off for 10 seconds....."
"Hi, er after my PC froze for the 5th time in as many minutes I inadvertantly threw it out of the window, where it landed on the windscreen of a passing car, causing it to swerve and hit a bus stop, knocking it down - the bus went passed not seeing the stop and 7 people were stood shouting at me cos they missed their bus" "Hmm, have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?"
I've tried blinding them with science too, really trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about in the hope they'll treat me like someone who doesn't have difficulties opening a packet of peanuts. " Hi, I'm having a problem linking to my DNS sever through databridge via my wireless SAN - any ideas?"
"Well... if you try switching it off for 10 seconds....."
Tuesday 9 October 2007
Moving in...
My girlfriend and I have been living together for about almost two years, interesting experience moving in together. Apologies for all the Star Wars references but when I mention one it reminds me of another. I feel like I’m in the “Episode 3” phase. I’ve seen the end product, Darth Vader, in my mum. Then I saw my sweet loving girlfriend, like Anakin in Episode 1. Now I’m in the transitional period, seeing that once sweet innocent person slowly completing their transformation to the dark side. People say you find out about each other, it’s true you do. You find out each others little obsessive compulsive things, I don’t mean turning the light on and off 15 times before entering a room, I mean like... washing up when there’s still clean plates left in the cupboard (?!). But they find out about us too, about when we take our boxers off in the morning, we have to flick them up with our foot and try catch them.
The toilet seat chestnut makes me laugh, surely if there are 2 people in the household, one male one female, it’s just as inconsiderate to leave the seat down as it is up – and lets just analyse this logically, who goes to the toilet more? Men will go once in the morning, again around lunch time / afternoon, as soon as we get in from work and again before we go to bed for number 1’s, 2’s maybe 3’s if it’s been a slow week. Women go once in the morning, always straight after work - and manage to beat you there first - before bed and usually whenever you suggest sex “nope sorry – need a wee” - no? Just me then!
Someone once asked me, - we were a few beers into conversation and talking about the inevitable rampant rabbits and such – they asked me "what would you do if you found your girlfriend with one?" I said "simple, you know when your mum and dad caught you smoking and made you smoke a full pack while they watched…"
The toilet seat chestnut makes me laugh, surely if there are 2 people in the household, one male one female, it’s just as inconsiderate to leave the seat down as it is up – and lets just analyse this logically, who goes to the toilet more? Men will go once in the morning, again around lunch time / afternoon, as soon as we get in from work and again before we go to bed for number 1’s, 2’s maybe 3’s if it’s been a slow week. Women go once in the morning, always straight after work - and manage to beat you there first - before bed and usually whenever you suggest sex “nope sorry – need a wee” - no? Just me then!
Someone once asked me, - we were a few beers into conversation and talking about the inevitable rampant rabbits and such – they asked me "what would you do if you found your girlfriend with one?" I said "simple, you know when your mum and dad caught you smoking and made you smoke a full pack while they watched…"
Sunday 7 October 2007
Jedi Weddings
A couple of months ago my friends got married, and in the usual tradition the best man was winding up the bride over the preparation. He told her that he had hired a group of midgets to dress up as Ewoks to be waiters at the reception. I cottoned on and told her one of them had been ordained and was going to perform the ceremony as Yoda " Hmm, gathered here today we are..."Then that just sparked the idea of Jedi weddings. The bride walks down the aisle to the Imperial March, wearing a white dress and her hair in Leia buns. There waiting for her is her groom dressed as Han and the Obi Wan priest who then conducts the ceremony whilst waving his hand. "You will repeat after me...""I will repeat after you."As they exit the church the fanfare starts as the doors open and they walk through the two lines of storm troopers under the tunnel of crossed light-sabers.What do you reckon? We take internet bookings!
Rules of Engagement
Now listen ladies, you just don't get it do you? In men there are unspoken rules that are just known and understood. The main of these are rules of the public toilet, or toilet etiquette if you will.
If you enter toilets in either a pub, hotel or at work, and there are lets say, 3 urinals which do you go to; A, B, or C? Of course you go to C, the furthest. If someone is already at C, where do you go? No - A, you do not stand next someone! If people are at A and C, what do you do? Of course! You go in the cubicle - these are the rules of mens toilets. Likewise if you're in for a bit of a sit and someone's in trap 1, don't go to trap 2 if there are more, it's just not right! They get uncomfortable, you get uncomfortable, nobody wants to hear what the other persons doing.
I get really mad in fact when someones comes in, it disturbs me, I can't relax while someone's there, I have to wait until they're gone. I hear them tearing the paper as they wipe the seat and then carefully lay the bits of paper on it so as not to let any part of skin come in contact with the bare seat. The clicking of mobile phone buttons as they play a quick game of snake or nokia golf. Then I sit there willing them to finish so that I can go! Why? Because on no condition can they know that was me in there, way too embarassing - for them too, they don't want me to know it's them either!
It's like (I think they mentioned this on Radio 1 the other day) if someone comes in for a pee while you're on the loo, just for a laugh, flush the toilet and hear how fast they wash their hands and leave, they don't want to see who's in there any more than you want them to see that's it you that was in there!
If you enter toilets in either a pub, hotel or at work, and there are lets say, 3 urinals which do you go to; A, B, or C? Of course you go to C, the furthest. If someone is already at C, where do you go? No - A, you do not stand next someone! If people are at A and C, what do you do? Of course! You go in the cubicle - these are the rules of mens toilets. Likewise if you're in for a bit of a sit and someone's in trap 1, don't go to trap 2 if there are more, it's just not right! They get uncomfortable, you get uncomfortable, nobody wants to hear what the other persons doing.
I get really mad in fact when someones comes in, it disturbs me, I can't relax while someone's there, I have to wait until they're gone. I hear them tearing the paper as they wipe the seat and then carefully lay the bits of paper on it so as not to let any part of skin come in contact with the bare seat. The clicking of mobile phone buttons as they play a quick game of snake or nokia golf. Then I sit there willing them to finish so that I can go! Why? Because on no condition can they know that was me in there, way too embarassing - for them too, they don't want me to know it's them either!
It's like (I think they mentioned this on Radio 1 the other day) if someone comes in for a pee while you're on the loo, just for a laugh, flush the toilet and hear how fast they wash their hands and leave, they don't want to see who's in there any more than you want them to see that's it you that was in there!
Friday 28 September 2007
24
I love 24 but how thick is Kim? She just bumbles about from one tragedy to the next. Series 2, she's moved away to a nice quiet job as an au pair. For, as it turns out, a psychopath who kills his wife and shoves her in the boot of his car. Kim escapes from the loony with her boyfriend by stealing said car, to then get stopped by the police in a stolen car with a dead body in the boot. Now arrested, she bashes the cage in the police car separating them causing the car to crash and sever her boyfriends leg. She then escapes into some nearby woodland to get caught in a bear trap(!) and we hear coyotes howling in the distance. Now thinking she's going to be eaten, she's saved by a guy who lives out there who takes her back to his cabin - who also just happens to be a psychopath, who tells her that LA has been nuked and she'll have to stay in his bomb shelter with him forever. Escaping from this "everyday" situation, she then heads to a nearby 24 hour store, that is currently being robbed by an armed man panicking at LA situation - and Jack is supposed to be having a bad day?!!
I love when they say "I'm going "dark"", and by that they mean switching off their phone. "Dammit, Jack why did you go dark?"
" I didn't, my battery ran out"
I love when they say "I'm going "dark"", and by that they mean switching off their phone. "Dammit, Jack why did you go dark?"
" I didn't, my battery ran out"
McCartney vs Mills
So a while ago when this all kicked off I remember reading that Heather had said Paul had actually hit her with her own false leg! Of course, this is all a huge misunderstanding, the whole thing came from a drunken conversation when Paul said " I bet I can kick you in the head from here...."
Tuesday 25 September 2007
Boss's Driving
My ex-boss was one of those guys who was academically brilliant, had more qualifications than I'd know what do with, but no common sense. He could probably tell you how plug worked, but ask him to wire one and he's buggered, know what I mean?
"Ken" was parked in the work car park, really small and he had a 7 seater people carrier. He got so close that when he came out he scraped the whole side of his car on the bumper of the jeep next to him, realising this he stopped. As he did this the panels that he'd pushed in popped out, now locking his wheel arch to the corner of the jeeps bumper! So he called a mate of mine (his favourite) to go help him, who rightly advises him to contact reception, and have them tell the guy whose jeep it is to come out. " No! We'll call the AA! They have a crane, and they can lift my car out of the car park, over the wall and on to the street!"
I spoke to the guy afterwards whose jeep it was and asked him what the message was that he got, he laughed and said "Could you come out to the car park, you're blocking Ken in!!"
The best was when his "favourite" disappeared for half a day, so naturally we all assumed he'd been given the day off - turns out he was round at Ken's house putting up an Ikea table and chair set that Ken couldn't work out!
He was driving once and his windscreen steamed up, he said;
"shall I put on my fog lights?!"
"I'd wipe your window personally..look"
"Oh God!"
"Ken" was parked in the work car park, really small and he had a 7 seater people carrier. He got so close that when he came out he scraped the whole side of his car on the bumper of the jeep next to him, realising this he stopped. As he did this the panels that he'd pushed in popped out, now locking his wheel arch to the corner of the jeeps bumper! So he called a mate of mine (his favourite) to go help him, who rightly advises him to contact reception, and have them tell the guy whose jeep it is to come out. " No! We'll call the AA! They have a crane, and they can lift my car out of the car park, over the wall and on to the street!"
I spoke to the guy afterwards whose jeep it was and asked him what the message was that he got, he laughed and said "Could you come out to the car park, you're blocking Ken in!!"
The best was when his "favourite" disappeared for half a day, so naturally we all assumed he'd been given the day off - turns out he was round at Ken's house putting up an Ikea table and chair set that Ken couldn't work out!
He was driving once and his windscreen steamed up, he said;
"shall I put on my fog lights?!"
"I'd wipe your window personally..look"
"Oh God!"
Car Bumped!
I had my car hit a while back, just remembered this, I was turning into a car park and stopped as there was someone already turned half way in. Anyway I take it it was full because she reversed straight back into me, I had no chance of moving in time, there was the inevitable "crunch" as I banged on my horn. So we drove round in to the car park, I got out and at first couldn't see the damage cos I was panicking and looking at the wrong side! She was in a 4x4 and had cracked a rear reflector (!), so she comes over and looks at the spot where I'm looking and I say "that's weird, I can't see any damage,.. at all" to which she said "that is weird, usually mine comes off best" I thought... "usually?!"
Sunday 23 September 2007
Random Thoughts...
People are obsessed with diets these days, everything is "low" or something "free", look at the options; Fat free, wheat free, gluten free, sugar free, lactose free, non carb, non dairy, low GI, low protein - pretty much just water then eh? Go on, push the boat out - have some cucumber!
I actually saw a warning on an egg carton the other day saying "Warning, may contain egg" I'd hope so it's a bloody box of them!!
I have a friend with a peanut allergy, he plays russian roulette with a bag of Revels.
Girlfriend told me I was like a swimmer the other night, I said "because of my athletic physique?" She said "no, just wet". I do go to the gym a lot it has to be said, someone called me a narcissist once, I said "whoa! I've never set fire to anything in my life!"
I do try though, I do all the designers: Hugo Boss, Georgio Armani, Mat Alan.... I asked my brother the other day "what do you think of that Paolo Nutini?" he said "well... the jeans are alright but tops are a bit over priced!!"
I actually saw a warning on an egg carton the other day saying "Warning, may contain egg" I'd hope so it's a bloody box of them!!
I have a friend with a peanut allergy, he plays russian roulette with a bag of Revels.
Girlfriend told me I was like a swimmer the other night, I said "because of my athletic physique?" She said "no, just wet". I do go to the gym a lot it has to be said, someone called me a narcissist once, I said "whoa! I've never set fire to anything in my life!"
I do try though, I do all the designers: Hugo Boss, Georgio Armani, Mat Alan.... I asked my brother the other day "what do you think of that Paolo Nutini?" he said "well... the jeans are alright but tops are a bit over priced!!"
The A Team
I loved the A team, it was fantastic weekend viewing - all that action, cars crashing, bullets flying, grenades - and not a scratch on anyone! But that's not the subject of my thread, how stupid was the Military Hospital that held Murdock?
Every week he'd be broken out, usually by Face in a white coat, surely they would start to recognise him after the first 5? And what do they do? Do they increase his security? Do they confine him? Nope they just take him straight back to his minimum security, ground floor room, with open windows and doors - they have a lot of trust in their ex-military mental patients with a history of escape. And how does he get back there? Do they eventually find him and bring him back? Does he go back of his own accord because he likes the meatloaf? Or do the others get tired of him and take him back? "Yeh, well thanks Murdock for saving us again, I can't believe we got caught again, and you managed to evade capture and find that chopper and fly in and save us...er again. But that landing, well could've been better, yeh Hannibal dropped his cigar, you know what happens when... no Murdock stop crying, you're just going to have to go back there until you learn to perform a full precision pin-point landing after you've just saved your 3 friends from a group of mexican bandits who seem to have military connections".
In fact, how did he manage to evade capture every week when the others were caught? How come he always just happened to be out getting the food whenever Decker showed up? He was a bloody informant!! He wanted the reward! He'd go off for the food, get to a phone box and dob them in, once he realised he'd have to give himself up to get the money he'd go save them and wait to try again next time! Crafty bugger!!
Every week he'd be broken out, usually by Face in a white coat, surely they would start to recognise him after the first 5? And what do they do? Do they increase his security? Do they confine him? Nope they just take him straight back to his minimum security, ground floor room, with open windows and doors - they have a lot of trust in their ex-military mental patients with a history of escape. And how does he get back there? Do they eventually find him and bring him back? Does he go back of his own accord because he likes the meatloaf? Or do the others get tired of him and take him back? "Yeh, well thanks Murdock for saving us again, I can't believe we got caught again, and you managed to evade capture and find that chopper and fly in and save us...er again. But that landing, well could've been better, yeh Hannibal dropped his cigar, you know what happens when... no Murdock stop crying, you're just going to have to go back there until you learn to perform a full precision pin-point landing after you've just saved your 3 friends from a group of mexican bandits who seem to have military connections".
In fact, how did he manage to evade capture every week when the others were caught? How come he always just happened to be out getting the food whenever Decker showed up? He was a bloody informant!! He wanted the reward! He'd go off for the food, get to a phone box and dob them in, once he realised he'd have to give himself up to get the money he'd go save them and wait to try again next time! Crafty bugger!!
Saturday 22 September 2007
Gingers of the World Unite!
For ages now, people have been trying to convince me I have ginger hair - I don't it's just in a transitional period that's not blonde anymore but not quite brown yet either. I used to say it was strawberry blonde, until I found out that this is actually what ginger folk say when they don't want to admit they're ginger!
So anyway on one of the recent piss-takes I changed my tack, I said "Yes! and one day the gingers of the world will unite and fight back! There'll be me, Damian Lewis, Prince Harry, Julianne Moore, Mick Hucknall - in fact yes, we'll send Mick in first, preferably while we're all still getting ready - "yep, go on Mick, you go get 'em, we'll be there soon...""
Plus according to the tinterweb, Chuck Norris is ginger! And we all know about Chuck Norris....
"Chuck Norris, one man, fighting against gingerism the only way he knows how- roundhouse kicks and really bad movies - he is.... the Ginger Warrior."
So anyway on one of the recent piss-takes I changed my tack, I said "Yes! and one day the gingers of the world will unite and fight back! There'll be me, Damian Lewis, Prince Harry, Julianne Moore, Mick Hucknall - in fact yes, we'll send Mick in first, preferably while we're all still getting ready - "yep, go on Mick, you go get 'em, we'll be there soon...""
Plus according to the tinterweb, Chuck Norris is ginger! And we all know about Chuck Norris....
"Chuck Norris, one man, fighting against gingerism the only way he knows how- roundhouse kicks and really bad movies - he is.... the Ginger Warrior."
Lord of the Rings
I recently watched all 3 extended versions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, I liked them, the cinematography was really good, and the battle scenes were epic- but I'm still not 100% sure that there aren't gay tendencies in Hobbits. "Oh Mr. Frodo", "oh Sam" In fact I believe that the real reason Frodo left the Shire at the end was because he couldn't bear to live with his repressed homosexual feelings towards Sam, feelings that he knew could never be reciprocated, especially since Sam still referred to members of the homosexual community as; "fuckin' puffs".*
*Diary of Serial Joker would like to point out that this view is purely that of an old fashioned and ignorant hobbit, and is in no way meant to cause offence.
*Diary of Serial Joker would like to point out that this view is purely that of an old fashioned and ignorant hobbit, and is in no way meant to cause offence.
Scientology
Now, I wouldn't call myself a political comedian, hell I wouldn't even call myself a comedian, but I don't do that sort of thing - doesn't interest me. And I don't take the piss out of religion or peoples beliefs, I take the piss out of things that are funny, and dare I say it, things I don't understand. I don't understand Scientology, I can't put my finger on exactly why, maybe it's this bit:
(The Evil Lord) Xenu is introduced as an alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living. Scientologists believe the alien souls continue to do this today, causing a variety of physical ill-effects in modern-day humans.
This was taken from Wikipedia, it did also say "Scientologists have argued that the published accounts of the Xenu story and other teachings are distortions of their practice, presented out of context for the purpose of ridiculing their religion." No shit Sherlock!
Maybe it's that or the quote from Ron L. Hubbard saying "If you want to be rich, invent your own religion"
(The Evil Lord) Xenu is introduced as an alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living. Scientologists believe the alien souls continue to do this today, causing a variety of physical ill-effects in modern-day humans.
This was taken from Wikipedia, it did also say "Scientologists have argued that the published accounts of the Xenu story and other teachings are distortions of their practice, presented out of context for the purpose of ridiculing their religion." No shit Sherlock!
Maybe it's that or the quote from Ron L. Hubbard saying "If you want to be rich, invent your own religion"
Footloose
What the hell? I watched Footloose today, now I consider myself a bit of a movie buff, I'm obsessed - many of my skits and scripts are based on movie parodies - but I must admit for a self-confessed aficionado there are a few classics I've not seen that I should have - Footloose is not one of them but it is a film everybody else seems to have watched.
Well, what a statement - you know, I can really empathise with Kevin Bacon's character, he's thinking "God I'm stuck in this small town, my dad's left us, there's a really good looking bird interested in me with a boyfriend who wants to smack me, music is banned, dancing is banned, even books are banned - I'm so full of teenage angst I could explode - I need to do something, really show this town and these bastards... I know I'll drive to an abandoned factory... and dance, I'll dance like I've never danced before".
And that my friends, is sarcasm.
Well, what a statement - you know, I can really empathise with Kevin Bacon's character, he's thinking "God I'm stuck in this small town, my dad's left us, there's a really good looking bird interested in me with a boyfriend who wants to smack me, music is banned, dancing is banned, even books are banned - I'm so full of teenage angst I could explode - I need to do something, really show this town and these bastards... I know I'll drive to an abandoned factory... and dance, I'll dance like I've never danced before".
And that my friends, is sarcasm.
9/11
Now there are some things you just don't joke about, 9/11 is one of them. But I was confused by it, they say that these terrorists cannot be found - they have a website for f's sake, surely someone can just log on, click "contact us" and job's good un. Failing that... just look for the cave with the internet connection.
Language mishap!
We were round at a friends, I go to pass my girlfriend a bottle of wine, I say....
"Une bouteille du vin pour vous, mon cheree"
"Stop talking Spanish and give it here!"
Priceless!!
"Une bouteille du vin pour vous, mon cheree"
"Stop talking Spanish and give it here!"
Priceless!!
Fraudulent Slip
A good friend of mine keeps getting his phrases mixed up, easy to do, we've all done it - here's some of the best:
"I like big ass and I don't know why!" - On singing along to "Baby got back" by Sir Mixalot.
"It must've been a fraudulent slip" - On being questioned about saying the wrong words to "Baby got back" by Sir Mixalot
"Fancy a bit of "who's your father"?"
Another friend of mine - who incidentally convinced me into writing the blog - is a Paramedic, he was telling us about the protective gear they get and he said it was made from teflon....
"Is that just stab-proof then or bullet-proof aswell?"
"That's kevlar mate..."
Yep those new teflon vests are wicked, the bullets just slide right off!
"I like big ass and I don't know why!" - On singing along to "Baby got back" by Sir Mixalot.
"It must've been a fraudulent slip" - On being questioned about saying the wrong words to "Baby got back" by Sir Mixalot
"Fancy a bit of "who's your father"?"
Another friend of mine - who incidentally convinced me into writing the blog - is a Paramedic, he was telling us about the protective gear they get and he said it was made from teflon....
"Is that just stab-proof then or bullet-proof aswell?"
"That's kevlar mate..."
Yep those new teflon vests are wicked, the bullets just slide right off!
Titanic
New saying! - "he tried even less than DiCaprio in Titanic!" Lets face it, how crap was that film. He had plenty of room on that piece of floating timber, he tries once to hitch himself onto it and it's "let's just...erp...no, no it's not going to happen - too slippery, yeh, it's ok, I'll just stay here and, die - it'll be right" In fact if she'd have just jumped off the boat at the start of the film like she was going to, we'd have all saved 3 hours.... bitch.
My girlfriend asked me for the dvd for Christmas, she says "can I have the new Dulux Edition?" "Dulux?!" says I, "Do you get a free tin of Ice White paint with it?! I think you mean deluxe". Anyway, I got her the DVD, on the special features it said "Alternate Ending" how do you get an alternate ending to Titanic?! It sinks! It's a true story! "Iceberg dead ahead!....S'alright, missed it!"
My girlfriend asked me for the dvd for Christmas, she says "can I have the new Dulux Edition?" "Dulux?!" says I, "Do you get a free tin of Ice White paint with it?! I think you mean deluxe". Anyway, I got her the DVD, on the special features it said "Alternate Ending" how do you get an alternate ending to Titanic?! It sinks! It's a true story! "Iceberg dead ahead!....S'alright, missed it!"
How Do!
Now then, welcome to my blog. Let me fill you in; I work in an office, I'm bored out of my tiny mind, so I start to think.
A couple of weeks ago I had a meeting that made up my mind - this is not me, I can't be like these people! One guy went on for an hour and a half about the importance of a spreadsheet, and then he had to have a say. He is the saddest man and biggest geek on the planet - this guy has more pouches on his belt than Batman. A mobile phone pouch, a blackberry, a swiss army knife(!), a multi tool, his keys and then he has his plastic pocket protector for his pens! This is the guy that always has an agenda point in a meeting and always has to speak when it's someone else's - he even has the typical geek speech impediment - think Carol Thatcher, "wichety-grwub" - He stood to give us our Health and Safety update - I could've put money on him being the bloody H&S official - if I have to sit listening to him explain how correctly pick up a box for half an hour....
And so began, my blog, I've always written things, jokes, skits, sketches, at the moment I'm writing a sit-com, but I've never done anything with them - until now... I'm going to cram everything into these pages, from the profound to the downright bizarre - from Scientology to I wonder if Chuck Norris' power is in his beard?.
Welcome my friends, to the Diary of a Serial Joker....
A couple of weeks ago I had a meeting that made up my mind - this is not me, I can't be like these people! One guy went on for an hour and a half about the importance of a spreadsheet, and then he had to have a say. He is the saddest man and biggest geek on the planet - this guy has more pouches on his belt than Batman. A mobile phone pouch, a blackberry, a swiss army knife(!), a multi tool, his keys and then he has his plastic pocket protector for his pens! This is the guy that always has an agenda point in a meeting and always has to speak when it's someone else's - he even has the typical geek speech impediment - think Carol Thatcher, "wichety-grwub" - He stood to give us our Health and Safety update - I could've put money on him being the bloody H&S official - if I have to sit listening to him explain how correctly pick up a box for half an hour....
And so began, my blog, I've always written things, jokes, skits, sketches, at the moment I'm writing a sit-com, but I've never done anything with them - until now... I'm going to cram everything into these pages, from the profound to the downright bizarre - from Scientology to I wonder if Chuck Norris' power is in his beard?.
Welcome my friends, to the Diary of a Serial Joker....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)