Dear Top Gear,
In thinking of how to address this I considered; “Gentlemen”, or “Colleagues”, but I’ve come to think of you as Friends, given that I see you on a weekly basis, enjoy your company, and always take your advice over that of my parents.
I write to you with a cry for help, over the last few months I’ve found myself at the mercy of my wife’s Ford Streetka.
Firstly, let’s gloss over the general embarrassment of being a man seen driving one, and that when turned upside down it clearly says “Matchbox Hairdresser Series 2003”. Let’s start with the visibility for example, it has one of those flexible plastic rear windows, so the rear-view mirror is useless – which is lucky, considering mine fell off. Then there’s the turning circle, under a full lock it will scuff the kerbs performing a turn in the road, and is only capable of “swinging” into a car parking space, when three are available side by side. This leads me to think that rather than model it on the sprightly, 1.3i standard Ka, which corners like a Mini in the Italian Job, they’ve somehow based it on the Transit Van. Then there’s that constant pain that drives through your left leg whenever you’re in the car, what is that? Oh that’s right, the dashboard.
The 1.6 zetec engine has no bottom end torque, is full of flat-spots and generally feels sluggish, get to 50mph however and the power comes and takes you to 85 in a heart beat, which is useful given the speed limit on most UK roads is 60. If you do choose to take it on the motorway, I recommend you take a member of your family that normally bores you senseless, as they’ll be able to witter endlessly at you, without you hearing a thing. Don’t look for fuel economy out of this small 2 seater either, it returns about 24 miles to the gallon.
I recently tried to change a headlight bulb, and it took the best part of an hour due to the keyhole surgery I had to perform to get to the old one. Although it would have been fine if I’d had hands the size of a child, and the ability to see through metal.
In short I’m asking you to help me, I’m currently looking for a new car and the plan is to part ex this one. I don’t know what your process is for the cars you use, whether they’re donated or you purchase them. But if you do see fit to furnish me with the current part ex value for this car, I would be more than happy to see this one blown up, shot at, smashed to pieces, played conkers with, drowned, driven off a cliff, crushed, burned, inserted into the rectum of a larger equally frustrating car, catapulted, pelted with caravans and or buried in a time capsule so that people of the future may learn from our mistakes.
Thanks in anticipation.
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Directors Cut
Everyone's heard of a Directors Cut, Bladerunner, Terminator 2, Aliens. Funnily enough usually films that James Cameron is the Director. They usually contain a longer cut of the film, including previously cut scenes that the studio didn't like, were under pressure to meet a desired rating or were dropped due to time constraints.
The concept is that it represents the Directors' Original vision before various parties became involved in the edit and hacked it to pieces. I get that and understand it when a directors cut is released a decade or two after the original, technology has advanced in such a way that a director is able to improve on that original concept and get closer to their first imagining. What I don't get however, is when a theatrical cut is released at the cinema, and the Directors Cut is released on DVD. There is no other excuse other than to make money, by doing that you're cheating people by changing the film and having them pay to see it on two different mediums. If the film is good enough, they'll buy it on DVD anyway. The films are made at the same time, edited together, there simply isn't enough time to edit a separate cut between the cinema and DVD release.
My case in point, Terminator: Salvation was released on two separate DVDs at the same time, the original and the Directors Cut. Avatar, is making millions at the cinema and is supposedly the best film in the world, has the most cutting edge technology, taking the movie world by storm and has been between 4 and 6 years in the making depending on the source. Then why has it already been confirmed that the Blu-Ray release will feature the Directors Cut? Is 4 years not enough to get it right James Cameron? Has the technology advanced again in 3 months? Is it outdated already? Or was all that about creating his masterpiece and a modern day spectacle all just bollocks? Well obviously, cos now he's done a better version. Unless of course he's just playing everyone for a mug and milking this cash cow for all it's worth. My prediction is shortly after the Blu-ray release, there'll then be a 3d version released, probably with an additional scene, they forgot about the previous two versions. While we are on Avatar I have to point out another thing, that Mr Cameron said it was the perfect film for a 15 year old boy and had everything they would want. Rubbish. 15 year old boys want a cross between Taken, and Emmanuelle, somebody running round killing everyone they see for revenge, pausing every 2o minutes to watch women getting undressed and taking a shower in a communal changing room, not a big blue cartoon alien version of Dances with Wolves.
Anyway, back to Directors Cuts....
Here's an idea James Cameron, GET IT RIGHT FIRST TIME!!
The concept is that it represents the Directors' Original vision before various parties became involved in the edit and hacked it to pieces. I get that and understand it when a directors cut is released a decade or two after the original, technology has advanced in such a way that a director is able to improve on that original concept and get closer to their first imagining. What I don't get however, is when a theatrical cut is released at the cinema, and the Directors Cut is released on DVD. There is no other excuse other than to make money, by doing that you're cheating people by changing the film and having them pay to see it on two different mediums. If the film is good enough, they'll buy it on DVD anyway. The films are made at the same time, edited together, there simply isn't enough time to edit a separate cut between the cinema and DVD release.
My case in point, Terminator: Salvation was released on two separate DVDs at the same time, the original and the Directors Cut. Avatar, is making millions at the cinema and is supposedly the best film in the world, has the most cutting edge technology, taking the movie world by storm and has been between 4 and 6 years in the making depending on the source. Then why has it already been confirmed that the Blu-Ray release will feature the Directors Cut? Is 4 years not enough to get it right James Cameron? Has the technology advanced again in 3 months? Is it outdated already? Or was all that about creating his masterpiece and a modern day spectacle all just bollocks? Well obviously, cos now he's done a better version. Unless of course he's just playing everyone for a mug and milking this cash cow for all it's worth. My prediction is shortly after the Blu-ray release, there'll then be a 3d version released, probably with an additional scene, they forgot about the previous two versions. While we are on Avatar I have to point out another thing, that Mr Cameron said it was the perfect film for a 15 year old boy and had everything they would want. Rubbish. 15 year old boys want a cross between Taken, and Emmanuelle, somebody running round killing everyone they see for revenge, pausing every 2o minutes to watch women getting undressed and taking a shower in a communal changing room, not a big blue cartoon alien version of Dances with Wolves.
Anyway, back to Directors Cuts....
Here's an idea James Cameron, GET IT RIGHT FIRST TIME!!
Friday, 31 July 2009
Star Wars Deleted Scene: The Interview
SCENE: INT: A COLD LOOKING OFFICE ROOM:
A MAN SITS NERVOUSLY AT A DESK LOOKING AT THE EMPTY CHAIR OPPOSITE HIM, HE SCANS AROUND THE ROOM AND NOTICES THE MOTIVATIONAL POSTER SAYING “FAILURE: IS NOT AN OPTION” ADJACENT TO A POSTER OF THE LORD DARTH VADER POINTING, SAYING “I WANT YOU”.
AN OFFICER WEARING A GREY IMPERIAL UNIFORM ENTERS, SITS OPPOSITE THE MAN AND STARTS CHEERILY SHUFFLING HIS PAPERS.
OFFICER:
Soo, you're here for the new radar post role then, is that correct?
MAN:
Er… yes, sir, I am.
OFFICER:
Goood, well your CV looks up to scratch and I'm sure you're aware of the role profile?
MAN:
Well… n-not really sir, the recruitment agency said it was just for an operator for a new imperial project.
OFFICER:
Of course, of course, how absent minded I am! (LAUGHS JOVIALLY) Well, obviously we have a very strict failure policy here, but there are also perks to working for the Empire. Obviously the main being that we won't kill you! (LAUGHS) - Just a… little joke there… not strictly true… as failure could lead to death by telekenetic strangulation. But great opportunities in that vacancies do come round quite often, with chance for progression, it quite literally is "dead mans shoes" as they say! (LAUGHS)... But basically the job entails watching the radar screens allocated to you and ensuring that no rebel forces come bearing photon torpedoes again! (BEAT) Would you believe they made that shot?! Into a duct no bigger than a wamp-rat?! Unbelievable! (LOWERS VOICE AND LOOKS AROUND) Between you and me, I think Lord Vader is trying to find the pilot and offer him a job! Alderan knows we need good pilots, these clones are all bit backward you see, too much interbreeding in my opinion, can't be good. (SIGHS) But yes the duct, hardly worth putting it in the next one really is it, but the idea is to double bluff! They'll never expect us to use the exact same plans with the same weakness! Smart eh? (TAPS HIS NOSE AND WINKS)
MAN:
Oh yes sir, last thing they'll be expecting.
OFFICER:
Anyhoo, we like to keep things quite jovial, helps if you're a bit mad! We're all a bit bonkers round here! We regularly play golf on Endor, do you...play golf at all?
MAN:
(A LITTLE CONFUSED AND NERVOUS NOW) Er… well… I guess I could…
OFFICER:
Splendid! There's the Empire cup every 2 durations, where the officers play the troopers - we always win, they can't aim for toffee!
MAN:
Sir... the job?
OFFICER:
Ah yes, sorry about that you do have to stop me, I tend go off on a tangent. Only the other day I was talking to Boba Fett about the time Jabba got a birdie on the 4th at Tatooine - Tatooine! I still can't quite comprehend that, sand everywhere it's a real nightmare...
MAN:
Sir?
OFFICER:
Yes, well you seem fine to me, just the kind of recruit the Empire is looking for!
MAN:
I’ve hardly said anything Sir.
OFFICER:
Precisely! Thank you for coming in, I'm sure you'll be hearing from us one way or the other... (GIGGLES) No I’m joking… or am I? (BEAT) No I am, I am… just go… now.
END
A MAN SITS NERVOUSLY AT A DESK LOOKING AT THE EMPTY CHAIR OPPOSITE HIM, HE SCANS AROUND THE ROOM AND NOTICES THE MOTIVATIONAL POSTER SAYING “FAILURE: IS NOT AN OPTION” ADJACENT TO A POSTER OF THE LORD DARTH VADER POINTING, SAYING “I WANT YOU”.
AN OFFICER WEARING A GREY IMPERIAL UNIFORM ENTERS, SITS OPPOSITE THE MAN AND STARTS CHEERILY SHUFFLING HIS PAPERS.
OFFICER:
Soo, you're here for the new radar post role then, is that correct?
MAN:
Er… yes, sir, I am.
OFFICER:
Goood, well your CV looks up to scratch and I'm sure you're aware of the role profile?
MAN:
Well… n-not really sir, the recruitment agency said it was just for an operator for a new imperial project.
OFFICER:
Of course, of course, how absent minded I am! (LAUGHS JOVIALLY) Well, obviously we have a very strict failure policy here, but there are also perks to working for the Empire. Obviously the main being that we won't kill you! (LAUGHS) - Just a… little joke there… not strictly true… as failure could lead to death by telekenetic strangulation. But great opportunities in that vacancies do come round quite often, with chance for progression, it quite literally is "dead mans shoes" as they say! (LAUGHS)... But basically the job entails watching the radar screens allocated to you and ensuring that no rebel forces come bearing photon torpedoes again! (BEAT) Would you believe they made that shot?! Into a duct no bigger than a wamp-rat?! Unbelievable! (LOWERS VOICE AND LOOKS AROUND) Between you and me, I think Lord Vader is trying to find the pilot and offer him a job! Alderan knows we need good pilots, these clones are all bit backward you see, too much interbreeding in my opinion, can't be good. (SIGHS) But yes the duct, hardly worth putting it in the next one really is it, but the idea is to double bluff! They'll never expect us to use the exact same plans with the same weakness! Smart eh? (TAPS HIS NOSE AND WINKS)
MAN:
Oh yes sir, last thing they'll be expecting.
OFFICER:
Anyhoo, we like to keep things quite jovial, helps if you're a bit mad! We're all a bit bonkers round here! We regularly play golf on Endor, do you...play golf at all?
MAN:
(A LITTLE CONFUSED AND NERVOUS NOW) Er… well… I guess I could…
OFFICER:
Splendid! There's the Empire cup every 2 durations, where the officers play the troopers - we always win, they can't aim for toffee!
MAN:
Sir... the job?
OFFICER:
Ah yes, sorry about that you do have to stop me, I tend go off on a tangent. Only the other day I was talking to Boba Fett about the time Jabba got a birdie on the 4th at Tatooine - Tatooine! I still can't quite comprehend that, sand everywhere it's a real nightmare...
MAN:
Sir?
OFFICER:
Yes, well you seem fine to me, just the kind of recruit the Empire is looking for!
MAN:
I’ve hardly said anything Sir.
OFFICER:
Precisely! Thank you for coming in, I'm sure you'll be hearing from us one way or the other... (GIGGLES) No I’m joking… or am I? (BEAT) No I am, I am… just go… now.
END
Friday, 17 July 2009
Star Wars Deleted Scene - Decisions
INT: EMPERORS CHAMBER
VADER ENTERS
THE EMPEROR IS SAT ON A LARGE HIGH BACKED CHAIR AT HIS DESK WITH OPEN BOOKS COVERING THE SURFACE
Emperor:
Vader! Get over here!
Vader:
As you wish my master.
Emperor:
(MOTIONING TO THE BOOKS) What do you think for the colours for the new imperial guard uniforms? I was thinking red but don't want it to be too in your face, you know like I want them red but not RED red!
Vader:
(FLIPS UP THE MASK & SPEAKS NORMALLY) Red's good, I like red. As long as you don't go for the same design as this (POINTING UP & DOWN HIMSELF), it looks like something from an S & M catalogue.
(EMPEROR QUICKLY KNOCKS ONE OF THE BOOKS OFF OF THE DESK)
Vader:
And do I still have to call you "master" in front of other people? I know you like it when we're in here but I thought it was just a game you know like when we have “Jedi juice" and have sleepovers and stuff.
Emperor:
(IGNORING HIM) I originally thought of a nice yellow or mauve, but then I figured something more masculine like a blue, but that's a little too obvious, and the red says "evil guard" I think, especially if I combine them with these narrow eyed helmets with the black visors, they look so cool it's untrue!
Vader:
I do like those helmets, better design than these others, at least they don't look like giant coc..
Emperor:
We could have the black ones with the rounded front, coming to a point at the back. But they look like cycling helmets. (BEAT) And we’d have to put up no running signs in the hallways, if someone stops too quickly in front of you… (SHUDDERS)Ooh, makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Vader:
What about going for one like Boba Fett? He always seems a crowd favourite, and he looks well cool.
Emperor:
Yeh but he’s a contractor. He’ll probably have some kind of clause or protection on his outfit, you know what they’re like. Remember when we cloned his dad for the troopers? Cost me a fortune.
Vader:
Purple? I remember something someone said about you liking a purple helmet or something?
Emperor:
Nope, red. Red it shall be, long, round, smooth shafted, red headed warriors! That is how I like my men… as in troops men… not men… men…
Vader:
(FLIPS DOWN THE MASK & SPEAKS IN THE VOICE) As you wish...
AS VADER REACHES THE DOOR HE TURNS AND LOOKS BACK
Vader:
I'm sure there's a theme here somewhere... (SHAKES HEAD) Nope, can’t find one.
END
VADER ENTERS
THE EMPEROR IS SAT ON A LARGE HIGH BACKED CHAIR AT HIS DESK WITH OPEN BOOKS COVERING THE SURFACE
Emperor:
Vader! Get over here!
Vader:
As you wish my master.
Emperor:
(MOTIONING TO THE BOOKS) What do you think for the colours for the new imperial guard uniforms? I was thinking red but don't want it to be too in your face, you know like I want them red but not RED red!
Vader:
(FLIPS UP THE MASK & SPEAKS NORMALLY) Red's good, I like red. As long as you don't go for the same design as this (POINTING UP & DOWN HIMSELF), it looks like something from an S & M catalogue.
(EMPEROR QUICKLY KNOCKS ONE OF THE BOOKS OFF OF THE DESK)
Vader:
And do I still have to call you "master" in front of other people? I know you like it when we're in here but I thought it was just a game you know like when we have “Jedi juice" and have sleepovers and stuff.
Emperor:
(IGNORING HIM) I originally thought of a nice yellow or mauve, but then I figured something more masculine like a blue, but that's a little too obvious, and the red says "evil guard" I think, especially if I combine them with these narrow eyed helmets with the black visors, they look so cool it's untrue!
Vader:
I do like those helmets, better design than these others, at least they don't look like giant coc..
Emperor:
We could have the black ones with the rounded front, coming to a point at the back. But they look like cycling helmets. (BEAT) And we’d have to put up no running signs in the hallways, if someone stops too quickly in front of you… (SHUDDERS)Ooh, makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Vader:
What about going for one like Boba Fett? He always seems a crowd favourite, and he looks well cool.
Emperor:
Yeh but he’s a contractor. He’ll probably have some kind of clause or protection on his outfit, you know what they’re like. Remember when we cloned his dad for the troopers? Cost me a fortune.
Vader:
Purple? I remember something someone said about you liking a purple helmet or something?
Emperor:
Nope, red. Red it shall be, long, round, smooth shafted, red headed warriors! That is how I like my men… as in troops men… not men… men…
Vader:
(FLIPS DOWN THE MASK & SPEAKS IN THE VOICE) As you wish...
AS VADER REACHES THE DOOR HE TURNS AND LOOKS BACK
Vader:
I'm sure there's a theme here somewhere... (SHAKES HEAD) Nope, can’t find one.
END
Monday, 13 July 2009
Star Wars Deleted Scene - How Luke really found out...
Int: Corridor.
(OBI WAN WALKS TOWARDS LUKES ROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR…)
Obi Wan:
Luke, I...
(LUKE IS HUNCHED OVER HIS BUNK & SCRABBLES ABOUT QUICKLY)
Luke:
Dammit Ben, can't you knock or call or use the force or something ?!
Obi Wan:
I'm sorry, were you...busy?
Luke:
I was...yes I was...studying something...really hard.
Obi Wan:
What's that you've got there Luke? Is that a picture?
Luke:
No!(BEAT) Yeh...
Obi Wan:
Is that a picture of, of Leia?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
In the gold bikini?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
(SIGHS) oh dear, I think we need to have a chat abo...
Luke:
Look I know what you're going to say, and it's perfectly natural for someone my age and my eyesight's fine I could still hit a wamp rat from my T-16...
Obi Wan:
Not about that! About Leia she's...
Luke:
Sexy eh? She's really fiery and strong, a bit dominant isn't she? I imagine her being domineering sometimes, you know with big boots and a light whip and stuff, she's got cracking jebs too, especially in that bikini, one time I pictured her in the shower with my light sabre hilt and she's....
Obi Wan:
Your sister...
Luke:
Shit...
END
(OBI WAN WALKS TOWARDS LUKES ROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR…)
Obi Wan:
Luke, I...
(LUKE IS HUNCHED OVER HIS BUNK & SCRABBLES ABOUT QUICKLY)
Luke:
Dammit Ben, can't you knock or call or use the force or something ?!
Obi Wan:
I'm sorry, were you...busy?
Luke:
I was...yes I was...studying something...really hard.
Obi Wan:
What's that you've got there Luke? Is that a picture?
Luke:
No!(BEAT) Yeh...
Obi Wan:
Is that a picture of, of Leia?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
In the gold bikini?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
(SIGHS) oh dear, I think we need to have a chat abo...
Luke:
Look I know what you're going to say, and it's perfectly natural for someone my age and my eyesight's fine I could still hit a wamp rat from my T-16...
Obi Wan:
Not about that! About Leia she's...
Luke:
Sexy eh? She's really fiery and strong, a bit dominant isn't she? I imagine her being domineering sometimes, you know with big boots and a light whip and stuff, she's got cracking jebs too, especially in that bikini, one time I pictured her in the shower with my light sabre hilt and she's....
Obi Wan:
Your sister...
Luke:
Shit...
END
Banoffee Pie?
Ever since Keira Knightley pouted those words in Love Actually, I've been intrigued by it. Banoffee, everything about it just sounds indulgent, and conjures images of a gooey sweet caramel-like substance. So recently I purchased some Banoffee Cheesecake slices, I won't say where from but they weren't just Banoffee Cheesecake slices...
So as the mrs and I are tucking in she says, "is there banana in this?" My reply, "Is there banana in a Ban-offee slice?" "Well is there?" "Do you not think the Ban might be Banana?" "Well it's just it tastes quite like those Banana Toffees you can get" "Yeh, do you not think that the word Banoffee is a bit like a combination of the words Banana and Toffee?" "oh yeh, I thought it was chocolate... what's Tiramisu then?"
Incidentally, they were very nice.
So as the mrs and I are tucking in she says, "is there banana in this?" My reply, "Is there banana in a Ban-offee slice?" "Well is there?" "Do you not think the Ban might be Banana?" "Well it's just it tastes quite like those Banana Toffees you can get" "Yeh, do you not think that the word Banoffee is a bit like a combination of the words Banana and Toffee?" "oh yeh, I thought it was chocolate... what's Tiramisu then?"
Incidentally, they were very nice.
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Holiday!!
Greetings!
Just got back from the Canaries! The islands, not a swarm of small yellow birds hellbent on revenge for their ancestors being sent down mines to check for...anyway so I've just got back.
Nice break, lovely weather, good food. The flight was funny, after about 10mins as is customary the Co-Pilot comes on the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen if you would like to participate in our inflight entertainment today, we'll be showing you a trailer of the films available and the cabin crew will be making their way through the cabin with headsets available at just £2.50 each".
We were fine, we had the Ipod but nevertheless there then followed a 5-10 minute trailer of Quantum of Solace showing all the car chases, fights, explosions, making it look really good. The headsets were flying out, and about 10 minutes later he came on again: "Ladies and Gentlemen for those of you partaking in our inflight entertainment, we'll now be showing todays movie, which is High School Musical 3"!!!!
Brilliant!!
Just got back from the Canaries! The islands, not a swarm of small yellow birds hellbent on revenge for their ancestors being sent down mines to check for...anyway so I've just got back.
Nice break, lovely weather, good food. The flight was funny, after about 10mins as is customary the Co-Pilot comes on the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen if you would like to participate in our inflight entertainment today, we'll be showing you a trailer of the films available and the cabin crew will be making their way through the cabin with headsets available at just £2.50 each".
We were fine, we had the Ipod but nevertheless there then followed a 5-10 minute trailer of Quantum of Solace showing all the car chases, fights, explosions, making it look really good. The headsets were flying out, and about 10 minutes later he came on again: "Ladies and Gentlemen for those of you partaking in our inflight entertainment, we'll now be showing todays movie, which is High School Musical 3"!!!!
Brilliant!!
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