I love 24 but how thick is Kim? She just bumbles about from one tragedy to the next. Series 2, she's moved away to a nice quiet job as an au pair. For, as it turns out, a psychopath who kills his wife and shoves her in the boot of his car. Kim escapes from the loony with her boyfriend by stealing said car, to then get stopped by the police in a stolen car with a dead body in the boot. Now arrested, she bashes the cage in the police car separating them causing the car to crash and sever her boyfriends leg. She then escapes into some nearby woodland to get caught in a bear trap(!) and we hear coyotes howling in the distance. Now thinking she's going to be eaten, she's saved by a guy who lives out there who takes her back to his cabin - who also just happens to be a psychopath, who tells her that LA has been nuked and she'll have to stay in his bomb shelter with him forever. Escaping from this "everyday" situation, she then heads to a nearby 24 hour store, that is currently being robbed by an armed man panicking at LA situation - and Jack is supposed to be having a bad day?!!
I love when they say "I'm going "dark"", and by that they mean switching off their phone. "Dammit, Jack why did you go dark?"
" I didn't, my battery ran out"
Friday 28 September 2007
McCartney vs Mills
So a while ago when this all kicked off I remember reading that Heather had said Paul had actually hit her with her own false leg! Of course, this is all a huge misunderstanding, the whole thing came from a drunken conversation when Paul said " I bet I can kick you in the head from here...."
Tuesday 25 September 2007
Boss's Driving
My ex-boss was one of those guys who was academically brilliant, had more qualifications than I'd know what do with, but no common sense. He could probably tell you how plug worked, but ask him to wire one and he's buggered, know what I mean?
"Ken" was parked in the work car park, really small and he had a 7 seater people carrier. He got so close that when he came out he scraped the whole side of his car on the bumper of the jeep next to him, realising this he stopped. As he did this the panels that he'd pushed in popped out, now locking his wheel arch to the corner of the jeeps bumper! So he called a mate of mine (his favourite) to go help him, who rightly advises him to contact reception, and have them tell the guy whose jeep it is to come out. " No! We'll call the AA! They have a crane, and they can lift my car out of the car park, over the wall and on to the street!"
I spoke to the guy afterwards whose jeep it was and asked him what the message was that he got, he laughed and said "Could you come out to the car park, you're blocking Ken in!!"
The best was when his "favourite" disappeared for half a day, so naturally we all assumed he'd been given the day off - turns out he was round at Ken's house putting up an Ikea table and chair set that Ken couldn't work out!
He was driving once and his windscreen steamed up, he said;
"shall I put on my fog lights?!"
"I'd wipe your window personally..look"
"Oh God!"
"Ken" was parked in the work car park, really small and he had a 7 seater people carrier. He got so close that when he came out he scraped the whole side of his car on the bumper of the jeep next to him, realising this he stopped. As he did this the panels that he'd pushed in popped out, now locking his wheel arch to the corner of the jeeps bumper! So he called a mate of mine (his favourite) to go help him, who rightly advises him to contact reception, and have them tell the guy whose jeep it is to come out. " No! We'll call the AA! They have a crane, and they can lift my car out of the car park, over the wall and on to the street!"
I spoke to the guy afterwards whose jeep it was and asked him what the message was that he got, he laughed and said "Could you come out to the car park, you're blocking Ken in!!"
The best was when his "favourite" disappeared for half a day, so naturally we all assumed he'd been given the day off - turns out he was round at Ken's house putting up an Ikea table and chair set that Ken couldn't work out!
He was driving once and his windscreen steamed up, he said;
"shall I put on my fog lights?!"
"I'd wipe your window personally..look"
"Oh God!"
Car Bumped!
I had my car hit a while back, just remembered this, I was turning into a car park and stopped as there was someone already turned half way in. Anyway I take it it was full because she reversed straight back into me, I had no chance of moving in time, there was the inevitable "crunch" as I banged on my horn. So we drove round in to the car park, I got out and at first couldn't see the damage cos I was panicking and looking at the wrong side! She was in a 4x4 and had cracked a rear reflector (!), so she comes over and looks at the spot where I'm looking and I say "that's weird, I can't see any damage,.. at all" to which she said "that is weird, usually mine comes off best" I thought... "usually?!"
Sunday 23 September 2007
Random Thoughts...
People are obsessed with diets these days, everything is "low" or something "free", look at the options; Fat free, wheat free, gluten free, sugar free, lactose free, non carb, non dairy, low GI, low protein - pretty much just water then eh? Go on, push the boat out - have some cucumber!
I actually saw a warning on an egg carton the other day saying "Warning, may contain egg" I'd hope so it's a bloody box of them!!
I have a friend with a peanut allergy, he plays russian roulette with a bag of Revels.
Girlfriend told me I was like a swimmer the other night, I said "because of my athletic physique?" She said "no, just wet". I do go to the gym a lot it has to be said, someone called me a narcissist once, I said "whoa! I've never set fire to anything in my life!"
I do try though, I do all the designers: Hugo Boss, Georgio Armani, Mat Alan.... I asked my brother the other day "what do you think of that Paolo Nutini?" he said "well... the jeans are alright but tops are a bit over priced!!"
I actually saw a warning on an egg carton the other day saying "Warning, may contain egg" I'd hope so it's a bloody box of them!!
I have a friend with a peanut allergy, he plays russian roulette with a bag of Revels.
Girlfriend told me I was like a swimmer the other night, I said "because of my athletic physique?" She said "no, just wet". I do go to the gym a lot it has to be said, someone called me a narcissist once, I said "whoa! I've never set fire to anything in my life!"
I do try though, I do all the designers: Hugo Boss, Georgio Armani, Mat Alan.... I asked my brother the other day "what do you think of that Paolo Nutini?" he said "well... the jeans are alright but tops are a bit over priced!!"
The A Team
I loved the A team, it was fantastic weekend viewing - all that action, cars crashing, bullets flying, grenades - and not a scratch on anyone! But that's not the subject of my thread, how stupid was the Military Hospital that held Murdock?
Every week he'd be broken out, usually by Face in a white coat, surely they would start to recognise him after the first 5? And what do they do? Do they increase his security? Do they confine him? Nope they just take him straight back to his minimum security, ground floor room, with open windows and doors - they have a lot of trust in their ex-military mental patients with a history of escape. And how does he get back there? Do they eventually find him and bring him back? Does he go back of his own accord because he likes the meatloaf? Or do the others get tired of him and take him back? "Yeh, well thanks Murdock for saving us again, I can't believe we got caught again, and you managed to evade capture and find that chopper and fly in and save us...er again. But that landing, well could've been better, yeh Hannibal dropped his cigar, you know what happens when... no Murdock stop crying, you're just going to have to go back there until you learn to perform a full precision pin-point landing after you've just saved your 3 friends from a group of mexican bandits who seem to have military connections".
In fact, how did he manage to evade capture every week when the others were caught? How come he always just happened to be out getting the food whenever Decker showed up? He was a bloody informant!! He wanted the reward! He'd go off for the food, get to a phone box and dob them in, once he realised he'd have to give himself up to get the money he'd go save them and wait to try again next time! Crafty bugger!!
Every week he'd be broken out, usually by Face in a white coat, surely they would start to recognise him after the first 5? And what do they do? Do they increase his security? Do they confine him? Nope they just take him straight back to his minimum security, ground floor room, with open windows and doors - they have a lot of trust in their ex-military mental patients with a history of escape. And how does he get back there? Do they eventually find him and bring him back? Does he go back of his own accord because he likes the meatloaf? Or do the others get tired of him and take him back? "Yeh, well thanks Murdock for saving us again, I can't believe we got caught again, and you managed to evade capture and find that chopper and fly in and save us...er again. But that landing, well could've been better, yeh Hannibal dropped his cigar, you know what happens when... no Murdock stop crying, you're just going to have to go back there until you learn to perform a full precision pin-point landing after you've just saved your 3 friends from a group of mexican bandits who seem to have military connections".
In fact, how did he manage to evade capture every week when the others were caught? How come he always just happened to be out getting the food whenever Decker showed up? He was a bloody informant!! He wanted the reward! He'd go off for the food, get to a phone box and dob them in, once he realised he'd have to give himself up to get the money he'd go save them and wait to try again next time! Crafty bugger!!
Saturday 22 September 2007
Gingers of the World Unite!
For ages now, people have been trying to convince me I have ginger hair - I don't it's just in a transitional period that's not blonde anymore but not quite brown yet either. I used to say it was strawberry blonde, until I found out that this is actually what ginger folk say when they don't want to admit they're ginger!
So anyway on one of the recent piss-takes I changed my tack, I said "Yes! and one day the gingers of the world will unite and fight back! There'll be me, Damian Lewis, Prince Harry, Julianne Moore, Mick Hucknall - in fact yes, we'll send Mick in first, preferably while we're all still getting ready - "yep, go on Mick, you go get 'em, we'll be there soon...""
Plus according to the tinterweb, Chuck Norris is ginger! And we all know about Chuck Norris....
"Chuck Norris, one man, fighting against gingerism the only way he knows how- roundhouse kicks and really bad movies - he is.... the Ginger Warrior."
So anyway on one of the recent piss-takes I changed my tack, I said "Yes! and one day the gingers of the world will unite and fight back! There'll be me, Damian Lewis, Prince Harry, Julianne Moore, Mick Hucknall - in fact yes, we'll send Mick in first, preferably while we're all still getting ready - "yep, go on Mick, you go get 'em, we'll be there soon...""
Plus according to the tinterweb, Chuck Norris is ginger! And we all know about Chuck Norris....
"Chuck Norris, one man, fighting against gingerism the only way he knows how- roundhouse kicks and really bad movies - he is.... the Ginger Warrior."
Lord of the Rings
I recently watched all 3 extended versions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, I liked them, the cinematography was really good, and the battle scenes were epic- but I'm still not 100% sure that there aren't gay tendencies in Hobbits. "Oh Mr. Frodo", "oh Sam" In fact I believe that the real reason Frodo left the Shire at the end was because he couldn't bear to live with his repressed homosexual feelings towards Sam, feelings that he knew could never be reciprocated, especially since Sam still referred to members of the homosexual community as; "fuckin' puffs".*
*Diary of Serial Joker would like to point out that this view is purely that of an old fashioned and ignorant hobbit, and is in no way meant to cause offence.
*Diary of Serial Joker would like to point out that this view is purely that of an old fashioned and ignorant hobbit, and is in no way meant to cause offence.
Scientology
Now, I wouldn't call myself a political comedian, hell I wouldn't even call myself a comedian, but I don't do that sort of thing - doesn't interest me. And I don't take the piss out of religion or peoples beliefs, I take the piss out of things that are funny, and dare I say it, things I don't understand. I don't understand Scientology, I can't put my finger on exactly why, maybe it's this bit:
(The Evil Lord) Xenu is introduced as an alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living. Scientologists believe the alien souls continue to do this today, causing a variety of physical ill-effects in modern-day humans.
This was taken from Wikipedia, it did also say "Scientologists have argued that the published accounts of the Xenu story and other teachings are distortions of their practice, presented out of context for the purpose of ridiculing their religion." No shit Sherlock!
Maybe it's that or the quote from Ron L. Hubbard saying "If you want to be rich, invent your own religion"
(The Evil Lord) Xenu is introduced as an alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living. Scientologists believe the alien souls continue to do this today, causing a variety of physical ill-effects in modern-day humans.
This was taken from Wikipedia, it did also say "Scientologists have argued that the published accounts of the Xenu story and other teachings are distortions of their practice, presented out of context for the purpose of ridiculing their religion." No shit Sherlock!
Maybe it's that or the quote from Ron L. Hubbard saying "If you want to be rich, invent your own religion"
Footloose
What the hell? I watched Footloose today, now I consider myself a bit of a movie buff, I'm obsessed - many of my skits and scripts are based on movie parodies - but I must admit for a self-confessed aficionado there are a few classics I've not seen that I should have - Footloose is not one of them but it is a film everybody else seems to have watched.
Well, what a statement - you know, I can really empathise with Kevin Bacon's character, he's thinking "God I'm stuck in this small town, my dad's left us, there's a really good looking bird interested in me with a boyfriend who wants to smack me, music is banned, dancing is banned, even books are banned - I'm so full of teenage angst I could explode - I need to do something, really show this town and these bastards... I know I'll drive to an abandoned factory... and dance, I'll dance like I've never danced before".
And that my friends, is sarcasm.
Well, what a statement - you know, I can really empathise with Kevin Bacon's character, he's thinking "God I'm stuck in this small town, my dad's left us, there's a really good looking bird interested in me with a boyfriend who wants to smack me, music is banned, dancing is banned, even books are banned - I'm so full of teenage angst I could explode - I need to do something, really show this town and these bastards... I know I'll drive to an abandoned factory... and dance, I'll dance like I've never danced before".
And that my friends, is sarcasm.
9/11
Now there are some things you just don't joke about, 9/11 is one of them. But I was confused by it, they say that these terrorists cannot be found - they have a website for f's sake, surely someone can just log on, click "contact us" and job's good un. Failing that... just look for the cave with the internet connection.
Language mishap!
We were round at a friends, I go to pass my girlfriend a bottle of wine, I say....
"Une bouteille du vin pour vous, mon cheree"
"Stop talking Spanish and give it here!"
Priceless!!
"Une bouteille du vin pour vous, mon cheree"
"Stop talking Spanish and give it here!"
Priceless!!
Fraudulent Slip
A good friend of mine keeps getting his phrases mixed up, easy to do, we've all done it - here's some of the best:
"I like big ass and I don't know why!" - On singing along to "Baby got back" by Sir Mixalot.
"It must've been a fraudulent slip" - On being questioned about saying the wrong words to "Baby got back" by Sir Mixalot
"Fancy a bit of "who's your father"?"
Another friend of mine - who incidentally convinced me into writing the blog - is a Paramedic, he was telling us about the protective gear they get and he said it was made from teflon....
"Is that just stab-proof then or bullet-proof aswell?"
"That's kevlar mate..."
Yep those new teflon vests are wicked, the bullets just slide right off!
"I like big ass and I don't know why!" - On singing along to "Baby got back" by Sir Mixalot.
"It must've been a fraudulent slip" - On being questioned about saying the wrong words to "Baby got back" by Sir Mixalot
"Fancy a bit of "who's your father"?"
Another friend of mine - who incidentally convinced me into writing the blog - is a Paramedic, he was telling us about the protective gear they get and he said it was made from teflon....
"Is that just stab-proof then or bullet-proof aswell?"
"That's kevlar mate..."
Yep those new teflon vests are wicked, the bullets just slide right off!
Titanic
New saying! - "he tried even less than DiCaprio in Titanic!" Lets face it, how crap was that film. He had plenty of room on that piece of floating timber, he tries once to hitch himself onto it and it's "let's just...erp...no, no it's not going to happen - too slippery, yeh, it's ok, I'll just stay here and, die - it'll be right" In fact if she'd have just jumped off the boat at the start of the film like she was going to, we'd have all saved 3 hours.... bitch.
My girlfriend asked me for the dvd for Christmas, she says "can I have the new Dulux Edition?" "Dulux?!" says I, "Do you get a free tin of Ice White paint with it?! I think you mean deluxe". Anyway, I got her the DVD, on the special features it said "Alternate Ending" how do you get an alternate ending to Titanic?! It sinks! It's a true story! "Iceberg dead ahead!....S'alright, missed it!"
My girlfriend asked me for the dvd for Christmas, she says "can I have the new Dulux Edition?" "Dulux?!" says I, "Do you get a free tin of Ice White paint with it?! I think you mean deluxe". Anyway, I got her the DVD, on the special features it said "Alternate Ending" how do you get an alternate ending to Titanic?! It sinks! It's a true story! "Iceberg dead ahead!....S'alright, missed it!"
How Do!
Now then, welcome to my blog. Let me fill you in; I work in an office, I'm bored out of my tiny mind, so I start to think.
A couple of weeks ago I had a meeting that made up my mind - this is not me, I can't be like these people! One guy went on for an hour and a half about the importance of a spreadsheet, and then he had to have a say. He is the saddest man and biggest geek on the planet - this guy has more pouches on his belt than Batman. A mobile phone pouch, a blackberry, a swiss army knife(!), a multi tool, his keys and then he has his plastic pocket protector for his pens! This is the guy that always has an agenda point in a meeting and always has to speak when it's someone else's - he even has the typical geek speech impediment - think Carol Thatcher, "wichety-grwub" - He stood to give us our Health and Safety update - I could've put money on him being the bloody H&S official - if I have to sit listening to him explain how correctly pick up a box for half an hour....
And so began, my blog, I've always written things, jokes, skits, sketches, at the moment I'm writing a sit-com, but I've never done anything with them - until now... I'm going to cram everything into these pages, from the profound to the downright bizarre - from Scientology to I wonder if Chuck Norris' power is in his beard?.
Welcome my friends, to the Diary of a Serial Joker....
A couple of weeks ago I had a meeting that made up my mind - this is not me, I can't be like these people! One guy went on for an hour and a half about the importance of a spreadsheet, and then he had to have a say. He is the saddest man and biggest geek on the planet - this guy has more pouches on his belt than Batman. A mobile phone pouch, a blackberry, a swiss army knife(!), a multi tool, his keys and then he has his plastic pocket protector for his pens! This is the guy that always has an agenda point in a meeting and always has to speak when it's someone else's - he even has the typical geek speech impediment - think Carol Thatcher, "wichety-grwub" - He stood to give us our Health and Safety update - I could've put money on him being the bloody H&S official - if I have to sit listening to him explain how correctly pick up a box for half an hour....
And so began, my blog, I've always written things, jokes, skits, sketches, at the moment I'm writing a sit-com, but I've never done anything with them - until now... I'm going to cram everything into these pages, from the profound to the downright bizarre - from Scientology to I wonder if Chuck Norris' power is in his beard?.
Welcome my friends, to the Diary of a Serial Joker....
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