SCENE: INT: A COLD LOOKING OFFICE ROOM:
A MAN SITS NERVOUSLY AT A DESK LOOKING AT THE EMPTY CHAIR OPPOSITE HIM, HE SCANS AROUND THE ROOM AND NOTICES THE MOTIVATIONAL POSTER SAYING “FAILURE: IS NOT AN OPTION” ADJACENT TO A POSTER OF THE LORD DARTH VADER POINTING, SAYING “I WANT YOU”.
AN OFFICER WEARING A GREY IMPERIAL UNIFORM ENTERS, SITS OPPOSITE THE MAN AND STARTS CHEERILY SHUFFLING HIS PAPERS.
OFFICER:
Soo, you're here for the new radar post role then, is that correct?
MAN:
Er… yes, sir, I am.
OFFICER:
Goood, well your CV looks up to scratch and I'm sure you're aware of the role profile?
MAN:
Well… n-not really sir, the recruitment agency said it was just for an operator for a new imperial project.
OFFICER:
Of course, of course, how absent minded I am! (LAUGHS JOVIALLY) Well, obviously we have a very strict failure policy here, but there are also perks to working for the Empire. Obviously the main being that we won't kill you! (LAUGHS) - Just a… little joke there… not strictly true… as failure could lead to death by telekenetic strangulation. But great opportunities in that vacancies do come round quite often, with chance for progression, it quite literally is "dead mans shoes" as they say! (LAUGHS)... But basically the job entails watching the radar screens allocated to you and ensuring that no rebel forces come bearing photon torpedoes again! (BEAT) Would you believe they made that shot?! Into a duct no bigger than a wamp-rat?! Unbelievable! (LOWERS VOICE AND LOOKS AROUND) Between you and me, I think Lord Vader is trying to find the pilot and offer him a job! Alderan knows we need good pilots, these clones are all bit backward you see, too much interbreeding in my opinion, can't be good. (SIGHS) But yes the duct, hardly worth putting it in the next one really is it, but the idea is to double bluff! They'll never expect us to use the exact same plans with the same weakness! Smart eh? (TAPS HIS NOSE AND WINKS)
MAN:
Oh yes sir, last thing they'll be expecting.
OFFICER:
Anyhoo, we like to keep things quite jovial, helps if you're a bit mad! We're all a bit bonkers round here! We regularly play golf on Endor, do you...play golf at all?
MAN:
(A LITTLE CONFUSED AND NERVOUS NOW) Er… well… I guess I could…
OFFICER:
Splendid! There's the Empire cup every 2 durations, where the officers play the troopers - we always win, they can't aim for toffee!
MAN:
Sir... the job?
OFFICER:
Ah yes, sorry about that you do have to stop me, I tend go off on a tangent. Only the other day I was talking to Boba Fett about the time Jabba got a birdie on the 4th at Tatooine - Tatooine! I still can't quite comprehend that, sand everywhere it's a real nightmare...
MAN:
Sir?
OFFICER:
Yes, well you seem fine to me, just the kind of recruit the Empire is looking for!
MAN:
I’ve hardly said anything Sir.
OFFICER:
Precisely! Thank you for coming in, I'm sure you'll be hearing from us one way or the other... (GIGGLES) No I’m joking… or am I? (BEAT) No I am, I am… just go… now.
END
Friday 31 July 2009
Friday 17 July 2009
Star Wars Deleted Scene - Decisions
INT: EMPERORS CHAMBER
VADER ENTERS
THE EMPEROR IS SAT ON A LARGE HIGH BACKED CHAIR AT HIS DESK WITH OPEN BOOKS COVERING THE SURFACE
Emperor:
Vader! Get over here!
Vader:
As you wish my master.
Emperor:
(MOTIONING TO THE BOOKS) What do you think for the colours for the new imperial guard uniforms? I was thinking red but don't want it to be too in your face, you know like I want them red but not RED red!
Vader:
(FLIPS UP THE MASK & SPEAKS NORMALLY) Red's good, I like red. As long as you don't go for the same design as this (POINTING UP & DOWN HIMSELF), it looks like something from an S & M catalogue.
(EMPEROR QUICKLY KNOCKS ONE OF THE BOOKS OFF OF THE DESK)
Vader:
And do I still have to call you "master" in front of other people? I know you like it when we're in here but I thought it was just a game you know like when we have “Jedi juice" and have sleepovers and stuff.
Emperor:
(IGNORING HIM) I originally thought of a nice yellow or mauve, but then I figured something more masculine like a blue, but that's a little too obvious, and the red says "evil guard" I think, especially if I combine them with these narrow eyed helmets with the black visors, they look so cool it's untrue!
Vader:
I do like those helmets, better design than these others, at least they don't look like giant coc..
Emperor:
We could have the black ones with the rounded front, coming to a point at the back. But they look like cycling helmets. (BEAT) And we’d have to put up no running signs in the hallways, if someone stops too quickly in front of you… (SHUDDERS)Ooh, makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Vader:
What about going for one like Boba Fett? He always seems a crowd favourite, and he looks well cool.
Emperor:
Yeh but he’s a contractor. He’ll probably have some kind of clause or protection on his outfit, you know what they’re like. Remember when we cloned his dad for the troopers? Cost me a fortune.
Vader:
Purple? I remember something someone said about you liking a purple helmet or something?
Emperor:
Nope, red. Red it shall be, long, round, smooth shafted, red headed warriors! That is how I like my men… as in troops men… not men… men…
Vader:
(FLIPS DOWN THE MASK & SPEAKS IN THE VOICE) As you wish...
AS VADER REACHES THE DOOR HE TURNS AND LOOKS BACK
Vader:
I'm sure there's a theme here somewhere... (SHAKES HEAD) Nope, can’t find one.
END
VADER ENTERS
THE EMPEROR IS SAT ON A LARGE HIGH BACKED CHAIR AT HIS DESK WITH OPEN BOOKS COVERING THE SURFACE
Emperor:
Vader! Get over here!
Vader:
As you wish my master.
Emperor:
(MOTIONING TO THE BOOKS) What do you think for the colours for the new imperial guard uniforms? I was thinking red but don't want it to be too in your face, you know like I want them red but not RED red!
Vader:
(FLIPS UP THE MASK & SPEAKS NORMALLY) Red's good, I like red. As long as you don't go for the same design as this (POINTING UP & DOWN HIMSELF), it looks like something from an S & M catalogue.
(EMPEROR QUICKLY KNOCKS ONE OF THE BOOKS OFF OF THE DESK)
Vader:
And do I still have to call you "master" in front of other people? I know you like it when we're in here but I thought it was just a game you know like when we have “Jedi juice" and have sleepovers and stuff.
Emperor:
(IGNORING HIM) I originally thought of a nice yellow or mauve, but then I figured something more masculine like a blue, but that's a little too obvious, and the red says "evil guard" I think, especially if I combine them with these narrow eyed helmets with the black visors, they look so cool it's untrue!
Vader:
I do like those helmets, better design than these others, at least they don't look like giant coc..
Emperor:
We could have the black ones with the rounded front, coming to a point at the back. But they look like cycling helmets. (BEAT) And we’d have to put up no running signs in the hallways, if someone stops too quickly in front of you… (SHUDDERS)Ooh, makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Vader:
What about going for one like Boba Fett? He always seems a crowd favourite, and he looks well cool.
Emperor:
Yeh but he’s a contractor. He’ll probably have some kind of clause or protection on his outfit, you know what they’re like. Remember when we cloned his dad for the troopers? Cost me a fortune.
Vader:
Purple? I remember something someone said about you liking a purple helmet or something?
Emperor:
Nope, red. Red it shall be, long, round, smooth shafted, red headed warriors! That is how I like my men… as in troops men… not men… men…
Vader:
(FLIPS DOWN THE MASK & SPEAKS IN THE VOICE) As you wish...
AS VADER REACHES THE DOOR HE TURNS AND LOOKS BACK
Vader:
I'm sure there's a theme here somewhere... (SHAKES HEAD) Nope, can’t find one.
END
Monday 13 July 2009
Star Wars Deleted Scene - How Luke really found out...
Int: Corridor.
(OBI WAN WALKS TOWARDS LUKES ROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR…)
Obi Wan:
Luke, I...
(LUKE IS HUNCHED OVER HIS BUNK & SCRABBLES ABOUT QUICKLY)
Luke:
Dammit Ben, can't you knock or call or use the force or something ?!
Obi Wan:
I'm sorry, were you...busy?
Luke:
I was...yes I was...studying something...really hard.
Obi Wan:
What's that you've got there Luke? Is that a picture?
Luke:
No!(BEAT) Yeh...
Obi Wan:
Is that a picture of, of Leia?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
In the gold bikini?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
(SIGHS) oh dear, I think we need to have a chat abo...
Luke:
Look I know what you're going to say, and it's perfectly natural for someone my age and my eyesight's fine I could still hit a wamp rat from my T-16...
Obi Wan:
Not about that! About Leia she's...
Luke:
Sexy eh? She's really fiery and strong, a bit dominant isn't she? I imagine her being domineering sometimes, you know with big boots and a light whip and stuff, she's got cracking jebs too, especially in that bikini, one time I pictured her in the shower with my light sabre hilt and she's....
Obi Wan:
Your sister...
Luke:
Shit...
END
(OBI WAN WALKS TOWARDS LUKES ROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR…)
Obi Wan:
Luke, I...
(LUKE IS HUNCHED OVER HIS BUNK & SCRABBLES ABOUT QUICKLY)
Luke:
Dammit Ben, can't you knock or call or use the force or something ?!
Obi Wan:
I'm sorry, were you...busy?
Luke:
I was...yes I was...studying something...really hard.
Obi Wan:
What's that you've got there Luke? Is that a picture?
Luke:
No!(BEAT) Yeh...
Obi Wan:
Is that a picture of, of Leia?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
In the gold bikini?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
(SIGHS) oh dear, I think we need to have a chat abo...
Luke:
Look I know what you're going to say, and it's perfectly natural for someone my age and my eyesight's fine I could still hit a wamp rat from my T-16...
Obi Wan:
Not about that! About Leia she's...
Luke:
Sexy eh? She's really fiery and strong, a bit dominant isn't she? I imagine her being domineering sometimes, you know with big boots and a light whip and stuff, she's got cracking jebs too, especially in that bikini, one time I pictured her in the shower with my light sabre hilt and she's....
Obi Wan:
Your sister...
Luke:
Shit...
END
Banoffee Pie?
Ever since Keira Knightley pouted those words in Love Actually, I've been intrigued by it. Banoffee, everything about it just sounds indulgent, and conjures images of a gooey sweet caramel-like substance. So recently I purchased some Banoffee Cheesecake slices, I won't say where from but they weren't just Banoffee Cheesecake slices...
So as the mrs and I are tucking in she says, "is there banana in this?" My reply, "Is there banana in a Ban-offee slice?" "Well is there?" "Do you not think the Ban might be Banana?" "Well it's just it tastes quite like those Banana Toffees you can get" "Yeh, do you not think that the word Banoffee is a bit like a combination of the words Banana and Toffee?" "oh yeh, I thought it was chocolate... what's Tiramisu then?"
Incidentally, they were very nice.
So as the mrs and I are tucking in she says, "is there banana in this?" My reply, "Is there banana in a Ban-offee slice?" "Well is there?" "Do you not think the Ban might be Banana?" "Well it's just it tastes quite like those Banana Toffees you can get" "Yeh, do you not think that the word Banoffee is a bit like a combination of the words Banana and Toffee?" "oh yeh, I thought it was chocolate... what's Tiramisu then?"
Incidentally, they were very nice.
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