SCENE: INT: A COLD LOOKING OFFICE ROOM:
A MAN SITS NERVOUSLY AT A DESK LOOKING AT THE EMPTY CHAIR OPPOSITE HIM, HE SCANS AROUND THE ROOM AND NOTICES THE MOTIVATIONAL POSTER SAYING “FAILURE: IS NOT AN OPTION” ADJACENT TO A POSTER OF THE LORD DARTH VADER POINTING, SAYING “I WANT YOU”.
AN OFFICER WEARING A GREY IMPERIAL UNIFORM ENTERS, SITS OPPOSITE THE MAN AND STARTS CHEERILY SHUFFLING HIS PAPERS.
OFFICER:
Soo, you're here for the new radar post role then, is that correct?
MAN:
Er… yes, sir, I am.
OFFICER:
Goood, well your CV looks up to scratch and I'm sure you're aware of the role profile?
MAN:
Well… n-not really sir, the recruitment agency said it was just for an operator for a new imperial project.
OFFICER:
Of course, of course, how absent minded I am! (LAUGHS JOVIALLY) Well, obviously we have a very strict failure policy here, but there are also perks to working for the Empire. Obviously the main being that we won't kill you! (LAUGHS) - Just a… little joke there… not strictly true… as failure could lead to death by telekenetic strangulation. But great opportunities in that vacancies do come round quite often, with chance for progression, it quite literally is "dead mans shoes" as they say! (LAUGHS)... But basically the job entails watching the radar screens allocated to you and ensuring that no rebel forces come bearing photon torpedoes again! (BEAT) Would you believe they made that shot?! Into a duct no bigger than a wamp-rat?! Unbelievable! (LOWERS VOICE AND LOOKS AROUND) Between you and me, I think Lord Vader is trying to find the pilot and offer him a job! Alderan knows we need good pilots, these clones are all bit backward you see, too much interbreeding in my opinion, can't be good. (SIGHS) But yes the duct, hardly worth putting it in the next one really is it, but the idea is to double bluff! They'll never expect us to use the exact same plans with the same weakness! Smart eh? (TAPS HIS NOSE AND WINKS)
MAN:
Oh yes sir, last thing they'll be expecting.
OFFICER:
Anyhoo, we like to keep things quite jovial, helps if you're a bit mad! We're all a bit bonkers round here! We regularly play golf on Endor, do you...play golf at all?
MAN:
(A LITTLE CONFUSED AND NERVOUS NOW) Er… well… I guess I could…
OFFICER:
Splendid! There's the Empire cup every 2 durations, where the officers play the troopers - we always win, they can't aim for toffee!
MAN:
Sir... the job?
OFFICER:
Ah yes, sorry about that you do have to stop me, I tend go off on a tangent. Only the other day I was talking to Boba Fett about the time Jabba got a birdie on the 4th at Tatooine - Tatooine! I still can't quite comprehend that, sand everywhere it's a real nightmare...
MAN:
Sir?
OFFICER:
Yes, well you seem fine to me, just the kind of recruit the Empire is looking for!
MAN:
I’ve hardly said anything Sir.
OFFICER:
Precisely! Thank you for coming in, I'm sure you'll be hearing from us one way or the other... (GIGGLES) No I’m joking… or am I? (BEAT) No I am, I am… just go… now.
END
Friday 31 July 2009
Friday 17 July 2009
Star Wars Deleted Scene - Decisions
INT: EMPERORS CHAMBER
VADER ENTERS
THE EMPEROR IS SAT ON A LARGE HIGH BACKED CHAIR AT HIS DESK WITH OPEN BOOKS COVERING THE SURFACE
Emperor:
Vader! Get over here!
Vader:
As you wish my master.
Emperor:
(MOTIONING TO THE BOOKS) What do you think for the colours for the new imperial guard uniforms? I was thinking red but don't want it to be too in your face, you know like I want them red but not RED red!
Vader:
(FLIPS UP THE MASK & SPEAKS NORMALLY) Red's good, I like red. As long as you don't go for the same design as this (POINTING UP & DOWN HIMSELF), it looks like something from an S & M catalogue.
(EMPEROR QUICKLY KNOCKS ONE OF THE BOOKS OFF OF THE DESK)
Vader:
And do I still have to call you "master" in front of other people? I know you like it when we're in here but I thought it was just a game you know like when we have “Jedi juice" and have sleepovers and stuff.
Emperor:
(IGNORING HIM) I originally thought of a nice yellow or mauve, but then I figured something more masculine like a blue, but that's a little too obvious, and the red says "evil guard" I think, especially if I combine them with these narrow eyed helmets with the black visors, they look so cool it's untrue!
Vader:
I do like those helmets, better design than these others, at least they don't look like giant coc..
Emperor:
We could have the black ones with the rounded front, coming to a point at the back. But they look like cycling helmets. (BEAT) And we’d have to put up no running signs in the hallways, if someone stops too quickly in front of you… (SHUDDERS)Ooh, makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Vader:
What about going for one like Boba Fett? He always seems a crowd favourite, and he looks well cool.
Emperor:
Yeh but he’s a contractor. He’ll probably have some kind of clause or protection on his outfit, you know what they’re like. Remember when we cloned his dad for the troopers? Cost me a fortune.
Vader:
Purple? I remember something someone said about you liking a purple helmet or something?
Emperor:
Nope, red. Red it shall be, long, round, smooth shafted, red headed warriors! That is how I like my men… as in troops men… not men… men…
Vader:
(FLIPS DOWN THE MASK & SPEAKS IN THE VOICE) As you wish...
AS VADER REACHES THE DOOR HE TURNS AND LOOKS BACK
Vader:
I'm sure there's a theme here somewhere... (SHAKES HEAD) Nope, can’t find one.
END
VADER ENTERS
THE EMPEROR IS SAT ON A LARGE HIGH BACKED CHAIR AT HIS DESK WITH OPEN BOOKS COVERING THE SURFACE
Emperor:
Vader! Get over here!
Vader:
As you wish my master.
Emperor:
(MOTIONING TO THE BOOKS) What do you think for the colours for the new imperial guard uniforms? I was thinking red but don't want it to be too in your face, you know like I want them red but not RED red!
Vader:
(FLIPS UP THE MASK & SPEAKS NORMALLY) Red's good, I like red. As long as you don't go for the same design as this (POINTING UP & DOWN HIMSELF), it looks like something from an S & M catalogue.
(EMPEROR QUICKLY KNOCKS ONE OF THE BOOKS OFF OF THE DESK)
Vader:
And do I still have to call you "master" in front of other people? I know you like it when we're in here but I thought it was just a game you know like when we have “Jedi juice" and have sleepovers and stuff.
Emperor:
(IGNORING HIM) I originally thought of a nice yellow or mauve, but then I figured something more masculine like a blue, but that's a little too obvious, and the red says "evil guard" I think, especially if I combine them with these narrow eyed helmets with the black visors, they look so cool it's untrue!
Vader:
I do like those helmets, better design than these others, at least they don't look like giant coc..
Emperor:
We could have the black ones with the rounded front, coming to a point at the back. But they look like cycling helmets. (BEAT) And we’d have to put up no running signs in the hallways, if someone stops too quickly in front of you… (SHUDDERS)Ooh, makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Vader:
What about going for one like Boba Fett? He always seems a crowd favourite, and he looks well cool.
Emperor:
Yeh but he’s a contractor. He’ll probably have some kind of clause or protection on his outfit, you know what they’re like. Remember when we cloned his dad for the troopers? Cost me a fortune.
Vader:
Purple? I remember something someone said about you liking a purple helmet or something?
Emperor:
Nope, red. Red it shall be, long, round, smooth shafted, red headed warriors! That is how I like my men… as in troops men… not men… men…
Vader:
(FLIPS DOWN THE MASK & SPEAKS IN THE VOICE) As you wish...
AS VADER REACHES THE DOOR HE TURNS AND LOOKS BACK
Vader:
I'm sure there's a theme here somewhere... (SHAKES HEAD) Nope, can’t find one.
END
Monday 13 July 2009
Star Wars Deleted Scene - How Luke really found out...
Int: Corridor.
(OBI WAN WALKS TOWARDS LUKES ROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR…)
Obi Wan:
Luke, I...
(LUKE IS HUNCHED OVER HIS BUNK & SCRABBLES ABOUT QUICKLY)
Luke:
Dammit Ben, can't you knock or call or use the force or something ?!
Obi Wan:
I'm sorry, were you...busy?
Luke:
I was...yes I was...studying something...really hard.
Obi Wan:
What's that you've got there Luke? Is that a picture?
Luke:
No!(BEAT) Yeh...
Obi Wan:
Is that a picture of, of Leia?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
In the gold bikini?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
(SIGHS) oh dear, I think we need to have a chat abo...
Luke:
Look I know what you're going to say, and it's perfectly natural for someone my age and my eyesight's fine I could still hit a wamp rat from my T-16...
Obi Wan:
Not about that! About Leia she's...
Luke:
Sexy eh? She's really fiery and strong, a bit dominant isn't she? I imagine her being domineering sometimes, you know with big boots and a light whip and stuff, she's got cracking jebs too, especially in that bikini, one time I pictured her in the shower with my light sabre hilt and she's....
Obi Wan:
Your sister...
Luke:
Shit...
END
(OBI WAN WALKS TOWARDS LUKES ROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR…)
Obi Wan:
Luke, I...
(LUKE IS HUNCHED OVER HIS BUNK & SCRABBLES ABOUT QUICKLY)
Luke:
Dammit Ben, can't you knock or call or use the force or something ?!
Obi Wan:
I'm sorry, were you...busy?
Luke:
I was...yes I was...studying something...really hard.
Obi Wan:
What's that you've got there Luke? Is that a picture?
Luke:
No!(BEAT) Yeh...
Obi Wan:
Is that a picture of, of Leia?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
In the gold bikini?
Luke:
Might be...
Obi Wan:
(SIGHS) oh dear, I think we need to have a chat abo...
Luke:
Look I know what you're going to say, and it's perfectly natural for someone my age and my eyesight's fine I could still hit a wamp rat from my T-16...
Obi Wan:
Not about that! About Leia she's...
Luke:
Sexy eh? She's really fiery and strong, a bit dominant isn't she? I imagine her being domineering sometimes, you know with big boots and a light whip and stuff, she's got cracking jebs too, especially in that bikini, one time I pictured her in the shower with my light sabre hilt and she's....
Obi Wan:
Your sister...
Luke:
Shit...
END
Banoffee Pie?
Ever since Keira Knightley pouted those words in Love Actually, I've been intrigued by it. Banoffee, everything about it just sounds indulgent, and conjures images of a gooey sweet caramel-like substance. So recently I purchased some Banoffee Cheesecake slices, I won't say where from but they weren't just Banoffee Cheesecake slices...
So as the mrs and I are tucking in she says, "is there banana in this?" My reply, "Is there banana in a Ban-offee slice?" "Well is there?" "Do you not think the Ban might be Banana?" "Well it's just it tastes quite like those Banana Toffees you can get" "Yeh, do you not think that the word Banoffee is a bit like a combination of the words Banana and Toffee?" "oh yeh, I thought it was chocolate... what's Tiramisu then?"
Incidentally, they were very nice.
So as the mrs and I are tucking in she says, "is there banana in this?" My reply, "Is there banana in a Ban-offee slice?" "Well is there?" "Do you not think the Ban might be Banana?" "Well it's just it tastes quite like those Banana Toffees you can get" "Yeh, do you not think that the word Banoffee is a bit like a combination of the words Banana and Toffee?" "oh yeh, I thought it was chocolate... what's Tiramisu then?"
Incidentally, they were very nice.
Wednesday 15 April 2009
Holiday!!
Greetings!
Just got back from the Canaries! The islands, not a swarm of small yellow birds hellbent on revenge for their ancestors being sent down mines to check for...anyway so I've just got back.
Nice break, lovely weather, good food. The flight was funny, after about 10mins as is customary the Co-Pilot comes on the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen if you would like to participate in our inflight entertainment today, we'll be showing you a trailer of the films available and the cabin crew will be making their way through the cabin with headsets available at just £2.50 each".
We were fine, we had the Ipod but nevertheless there then followed a 5-10 minute trailer of Quantum of Solace showing all the car chases, fights, explosions, making it look really good. The headsets were flying out, and about 10 minutes later he came on again: "Ladies and Gentlemen for those of you partaking in our inflight entertainment, we'll now be showing todays movie, which is High School Musical 3"!!!!
Brilliant!!
Just got back from the Canaries! The islands, not a swarm of small yellow birds hellbent on revenge for their ancestors being sent down mines to check for...anyway so I've just got back.
Nice break, lovely weather, good food. The flight was funny, after about 10mins as is customary the Co-Pilot comes on the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen if you would like to participate in our inflight entertainment today, we'll be showing you a trailer of the films available and the cabin crew will be making their way through the cabin with headsets available at just £2.50 each".
We were fine, we had the Ipod but nevertheless there then followed a 5-10 minute trailer of Quantum of Solace showing all the car chases, fights, explosions, making it look really good. The headsets were flying out, and about 10 minutes later he came on again: "Ladies and Gentlemen for those of you partaking in our inflight entertainment, we'll now be showing todays movie, which is High School Musical 3"!!!!
Brilliant!!
Sunday 1 February 2009
Musical legends? Rubbish!
Media is a very powerful thing, I've touched briefly on it being responsible for making absolute nobodies into celebrities by insisting on telling us their every move and plastering them on the front pages for no real reason – Paris. But it also tells us how to look, what's socially acceptable and the topic of this column, what music we should be listening to. Now I realise that at the moment its cool to be different and like what society tells us not to, usually a lot of noise and shouting by male people who like to wear eye makeup, and are mad at their parents. But society still tells us who our so called musical legends are, did anyone decide these people were legends? Did we agree, or are we just going along with it. Take the Rolling Stones for example, they were big in the sixties, well so was British Leyland, if you were to stop now and listen back, were they actually any good? I think they were crap, and basically David Bowie's whole career, what was that about?! How did these people get famous, surely when people finally sobered up from whatever chemicals and plants they'd been devouring they realised it was complete rubbish. Kate Bush!! People say Mariah Carey communicates to dolphins when she sings, Kate was doing it 20 years before! What a complete load of drivel, I laughed when I heard Wuthering Heights I thought it was a novelty record! Rod Stewart, Do ya think I'm sexy? Funnily enough Rod, no, you are infact one of the ugliest people on the planet, and that includes Donatella Versace, and that bird from Everything but the Girl. But who will be the Legends of the future? Oasis? I bought What’s the Story? And was well into them, I still think that album was our generations' Dark Side of the Moon, everybody owned a copy, but essentially they copied the Beatles. Madonna? God I hope not, she just doesn't know when to call it a day. My money's on the Fast Food Rockers…
Police!!
I've done it, I've broken the law, I am now a criminal. My crime, the most despicable of all, talking on my phone, whilst driving….
I can see the concern here in that because I'm using my ears and mouth to have a conversation, I may spontaneously develop colour blindness and not be able to decipher the traffic light system. Or become so engrossed in my chat that I inadvertently forget all my years of driving experience and that you're not supposed to drive on the pavement and collect people in your grille. Of course the kind officers with whom I dealt with didn’t see it this way and said something about using both hands to drive, or whatever.
They caught me fair and square but I feel the handbrake turn and consequent chase through traffic with lights and sirens were a bit "OTT" considering the level of my crime. I saw them coming in the opposite direction, they saw me, saw the phone. I looked in the rear view to see them spin around, hit the lights and give chase, funnily enough I then dropped my phone. At this point I did what most people do and pretended that I hadn’t done anything and wasn't in trouble, I stared straight ahead, turned up my stereo and wound down my window (trying to create circumstances unsuitable for phone use to reason with later). I then did the surprised "who me?" sideways glance as the rozzers pulled alongside me to "persuade" me off the road. The only place safe to pull over was a car park in the middle of a retail park, surrounded by a McDonalds, Curry's and Focus DIY, and lots of shoppers. After it was made clear they would not be coming to me, I was beckoned to the car, and then redirected to the other side, and then to get into the back of the car. It was a big Volvo T5 meaning that to talk to the nice officers I had to hold on to the backs of the front seats and lean forward like an excited child trying to see the interesting stuff his dad did to make the car move. They asked why they'd pulled me over, I did think "if you don't know I'm not going to tell you" but common sense won the battle, well almost, I tried to blag it. "I bet you saw me answer the phone" "Yes you were on your phone" " I literally picked it up to say I'm sorry I'm driving, I'll call you back" "Then Sir, that beggars the question why answer to say you can’t speak?"
Shit, this clearly wasn't going to work. So after the textbook chastising and belittling about hands free kits, they gave me a ticket for 3 points and a £60 fine. I said was worried about the effect of the points on my insurance, this was the following conversation between the two coppers. "Well, IF you choose to declare it, it won’t matter anyway, I got 6 points and it didn’t affect me" "6?! Is that all you got, I've got more than that and mine's not affected"
I didn’t have any until you two jokers pulled me over! It's not a competition!! I thought "bloody hell I'm in Superbad! That makes me Mclovin!" And one of them was a fellow strawberry blonde, what ever happened to solidarity?
I can see the concern here in that because I'm using my ears and mouth to have a conversation, I may spontaneously develop colour blindness and not be able to decipher the traffic light system. Or become so engrossed in my chat that I inadvertently forget all my years of driving experience and that you're not supposed to drive on the pavement and collect people in your grille. Of course the kind officers with whom I dealt with didn’t see it this way and said something about using both hands to drive, or whatever.
They caught me fair and square but I feel the handbrake turn and consequent chase through traffic with lights and sirens were a bit "OTT" considering the level of my crime. I saw them coming in the opposite direction, they saw me, saw the phone. I looked in the rear view to see them spin around, hit the lights and give chase, funnily enough I then dropped my phone. At this point I did what most people do and pretended that I hadn’t done anything and wasn't in trouble, I stared straight ahead, turned up my stereo and wound down my window (trying to create circumstances unsuitable for phone use to reason with later). I then did the surprised "who me?" sideways glance as the rozzers pulled alongside me to "persuade" me off the road. The only place safe to pull over was a car park in the middle of a retail park, surrounded by a McDonalds, Curry's and Focus DIY, and lots of shoppers. After it was made clear they would not be coming to me, I was beckoned to the car, and then redirected to the other side, and then to get into the back of the car. It was a big Volvo T5 meaning that to talk to the nice officers I had to hold on to the backs of the front seats and lean forward like an excited child trying to see the interesting stuff his dad did to make the car move. They asked why they'd pulled me over, I did think "if you don't know I'm not going to tell you" but common sense won the battle, well almost, I tried to blag it. "I bet you saw me answer the phone" "Yes you were on your phone" " I literally picked it up to say I'm sorry I'm driving, I'll call you back" "Then Sir, that beggars the question why answer to say you can’t speak?"
Shit, this clearly wasn't going to work. So after the textbook chastising and belittling about hands free kits, they gave me a ticket for 3 points and a £60 fine. I said was worried about the effect of the points on my insurance, this was the following conversation between the two coppers. "Well, IF you choose to declare it, it won’t matter anyway, I got 6 points and it didn’t affect me" "6?! Is that all you got, I've got more than that and mine's not affected"
I didn’t have any until you two jokers pulled me over! It's not a competition!! I thought "bloody hell I'm in Superbad! That makes me Mclovin!" And one of them was a fellow strawberry blonde, what ever happened to solidarity?
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