So I hear this new song, a girl singing softly, she needs a doctor. Not bad, quite interested. Then Eminem starts whining away in that droning, high pitched whinge like a kid throwing a tantrum. Everytime I hear him I get a picture of a 4 year old kicking off in the supermarket, kicking and screaming because his mum won't let him have cocopops. How long's he been angry now? 11, 12 years? What is there still to be mad at after 12 years?! His next album has a song on about how when he opens a packet of crisps, they're only half full. I got some lyrics for one of the tunes...
"But the bitch drives me crazy, I don't want her alive,
Cos the speed limit's 50, but she only goes 35."
It's called "Stuck in traffic". I tell you, when he gets to that second verse I'm so glad I'm not a roadworker.
Also, 1 very quick comment on Kesha. She uses the line ..."And now the dudes are linin up cause they hear we got swagger. But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger" Now that is classic example of saying any old shit just to make the next line rhyme. She's implying there she doesn't give any guy a second look unless they look like Mick Jagger? Has she seen Mick Jagger?! He's one of the ugliest blokes in the history of music! And nearly 70 so the only thing he'd be giving her is a Werthers Original.
So basically guys what she's saying is, her idea of a perfect man is a fuck ugly septagenarian with lips that a glazer could use to hold the glass in place for him? Daft cow.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Monday, 26 July 2010
I'm frustrated.
Not in a sexual way, let me clear that up from the outset. I'm not following the old myth of tearing labels off of beer bottles in non-coital tension. Neither am I frustrated from a logical, number based puzzle, sat with a look on my face resembling a gorilla trying to open a packet of peanuts. I am however, frustrated at the catch 22 of trying to enter the world of comedy writing.
I'm new to the industry, I have no friends or contacts in the business. I have no reputation. But I have experiences, stories to tell, characters to realise and I have a script.
So here's my dilemma. What do I do with it?
Send it to a Production Company? Of course! That would be the most obvious solution.
Unless... the production companies have a policy against receiving unsolicited material - which is material sent by unrecognised or unrepresented writers. Bugger.
So then I shall seek representation!
Unless... the literary agents have a policy against accepting unsolicited material from writers not recommended by a producer.
Excellent, glad that's cleared that up then, so to get my script to a producer I need an agent, and to get an agent I need a producer to recommend my script to them. Ri-ight.
I get how it works for established writers, they write a treatment which is sent by their agent, or themselves, to production companies they have affiliations or previous work with. If they like it they ask for a script, if they like that they take it to the networks.
So how about the newbies? Where's the test bed for new comedy? Where are the companies willing to root through all those new scripts to find the diamond amongst the coal?
Yes there is the BBC Writersroom, which is a great resource to develop as writer, but they're not a commissions department, yes they'll assess your talent as a writer, and may offer you parts on their flagship shows. But they look at the content rather than the concept so your show will very probably be passed for more Casualty, Holby City, or Eastenders. And let's be honest, Eastenders is a laugh a minute riot isn't it? Not depressing for one single iota.
I don't think I'd be able to resist it, if I had to write an episode of Casualty I'd base it on a student getting his knob stuck in a vacuum cleaner. He'd be at home alone, bored of the same tired, wrinkled old magazines under his bed. His internet connection's down, it's the middle of the day so the only racy thing on the TV is Loose Women, which sadly is more disappointing than the title suggests. Then he sees it. "Henry" sat in the corner, looking at him suggestively. But no, he can't, it's male.
Unless... he takes that fancy dress wig from Champagne's birthday party and puts that on it, maybe draws on some eyelashes in marker pen, and thicker, fuller lips. Then with a rub of perfume tester from Heat magazine around the end of nozzle, "Henrietta" is born.
The same story line would work for Eastenders, I'd just make it from the Vacuums point of view and then drag it out for six months as to who it was that abused it, only to find it was Lucy f**king Benjamin.
So help me people of the entertainment world, internet, and er... world, how do I get someone to look at my bloody script?!
Not in a sexual way, let me clear that up from the outset. I'm not following the old myth of tearing labels off of beer bottles in non-coital tension. Neither am I frustrated from a logical, number based puzzle, sat with a look on my face resembling a gorilla trying to open a packet of peanuts. I am however, frustrated at the catch 22 of trying to enter the world of comedy writing.
I'm new to the industry, I have no friends or contacts in the business. I have no reputation. But I have experiences, stories to tell, characters to realise and I have a script.
So here's my dilemma. What do I do with it?
Send it to a Production Company? Of course! That would be the most obvious solution.
Unless... the production companies have a policy against receiving unsolicited material - which is material sent by unrecognised or unrepresented writers. Bugger.
So then I shall seek representation!
Unless... the literary agents have a policy against accepting unsolicited material from writers not recommended by a producer.
Excellent, glad that's cleared that up then, so to get my script to a producer I need an agent, and to get an agent I need a producer to recommend my script to them. Ri-ight.
I get how it works for established writers, they write a treatment which is sent by their agent, or themselves, to production companies they have affiliations or previous work with. If they like it they ask for a script, if they like that they take it to the networks.
So how about the newbies? Where's the test bed for new comedy? Where are the companies willing to root through all those new scripts to find the diamond amongst the coal?
Yes there is the BBC Writersroom, which is a great resource to develop as writer, but they're not a commissions department, yes they'll assess your talent as a writer, and may offer you parts on their flagship shows. But they look at the content rather than the concept so your show will very probably be passed for more Casualty, Holby City, or Eastenders. And let's be honest, Eastenders is a laugh a minute riot isn't it? Not depressing for one single iota.
I don't think I'd be able to resist it, if I had to write an episode of Casualty I'd base it on a student getting his knob stuck in a vacuum cleaner. He'd be at home alone, bored of the same tired, wrinkled old magazines under his bed. His internet connection's down, it's the middle of the day so the only racy thing on the TV is Loose Women, which sadly is more disappointing than the title suggests. Then he sees it. "Henry" sat in the corner, looking at him suggestively. But no, he can't, it's male.
Unless... he takes that fancy dress wig from Champagne's birthday party and puts that on it, maybe draws on some eyelashes in marker pen, and thicker, fuller lips. Then with a rub of perfume tester from Heat magazine around the end of nozzle, "Henrietta" is born.
The same story line would work for Eastenders, I'd just make it from the Vacuums point of view and then drag it out for six months as to who it was that abused it, only to find it was Lucy f**king Benjamin.
So help me people of the entertainment world, internet, and er... world, how do I get someone to look at my bloody script?!
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
A copy of my recent letter to Top Gear...
Dear Top Gear,
In thinking of how to address this I considered; “Gentlemen”, or “Colleagues”, but I’ve come to think of you as Friends, given that I see you on a weekly basis, enjoy your company, and always take your advice over that of my parents.
I write to you with a cry for help, over the last few months I’ve found myself at the mercy of my wife’s Ford Streetka.
Firstly, let’s gloss over the general embarrassment of being a man seen driving one, and that when turned upside down it clearly says “Matchbox Hairdresser Series 2003”. Let’s start with the visibility for example, it has one of those flexible plastic rear windows, so the rear-view mirror is useless – which is lucky, considering mine fell off. Then there’s the turning circle, under a full lock it will scuff the kerbs performing a turn in the road, and is only capable of “swinging” into a car parking space, when three are available side by side. This leads me to think that rather than model it on the sprightly, 1.3i standard Ka, which corners like a Mini in the Italian Job, they’ve somehow based it on the Transit Van. Then there’s that constant pain that drives through your left leg whenever you’re in the car, what is that? Oh that’s right, the dashboard.
The 1.6 zetec engine has no bottom end torque, is full of flat-spots and generally feels sluggish, get to 50mph however and the power comes and takes you to 85 in a heart beat, which is useful given the speed limit on most UK roads is 60. If you do choose to take it on the motorway, I recommend you take a member of your family that normally bores you senseless, as they’ll be able to witter endlessly at you, without you hearing a thing. Don’t look for fuel economy out of this small 2 seater either, it returns about 24 miles to the gallon.
I recently tried to change a headlight bulb, and it took the best part of an hour due to the keyhole surgery I had to perform to get to the old one. Although it would have been fine if I’d had hands the size of a child, and the ability to see through metal.
In short I’m asking you to help me, I’m currently looking for a new car and the plan is to part ex this one. I don’t know what your process is for the cars you use, whether they’re donated or you purchase them. But if you do see fit to furnish me with the current part ex value for this car, I would be more than happy to see this one blown up, shot at, smashed to pieces, played conkers with, drowned, driven off a cliff, crushed, burned, inserted into the rectum of a larger equally frustrating car, catapulted, pelted with caravans and or buried in a time capsule so that people of the future may learn from our mistakes.
Thanks in anticipation.
In thinking of how to address this I considered; “Gentlemen”, or “Colleagues”, but I’ve come to think of you as Friends, given that I see you on a weekly basis, enjoy your company, and always take your advice over that of my parents.
I write to you with a cry for help, over the last few months I’ve found myself at the mercy of my wife’s Ford Streetka.
Firstly, let’s gloss over the general embarrassment of being a man seen driving one, and that when turned upside down it clearly says “Matchbox Hairdresser Series 2003”. Let’s start with the visibility for example, it has one of those flexible plastic rear windows, so the rear-view mirror is useless – which is lucky, considering mine fell off. Then there’s the turning circle, under a full lock it will scuff the kerbs performing a turn in the road, and is only capable of “swinging” into a car parking space, when three are available side by side. This leads me to think that rather than model it on the sprightly, 1.3i standard Ka, which corners like a Mini in the Italian Job, they’ve somehow based it on the Transit Van. Then there’s that constant pain that drives through your left leg whenever you’re in the car, what is that? Oh that’s right, the dashboard.
The 1.6 zetec engine has no bottom end torque, is full of flat-spots and generally feels sluggish, get to 50mph however and the power comes and takes you to 85 in a heart beat, which is useful given the speed limit on most UK roads is 60. If you do choose to take it on the motorway, I recommend you take a member of your family that normally bores you senseless, as they’ll be able to witter endlessly at you, without you hearing a thing. Don’t look for fuel economy out of this small 2 seater either, it returns about 24 miles to the gallon.
I recently tried to change a headlight bulb, and it took the best part of an hour due to the keyhole surgery I had to perform to get to the old one. Although it would have been fine if I’d had hands the size of a child, and the ability to see through metal.
In short I’m asking you to help me, I’m currently looking for a new car and the plan is to part ex this one. I don’t know what your process is for the cars you use, whether they’re donated or you purchase them. But if you do see fit to furnish me with the current part ex value for this car, I would be more than happy to see this one blown up, shot at, smashed to pieces, played conkers with, drowned, driven off a cliff, crushed, burned, inserted into the rectum of a larger equally frustrating car, catapulted, pelted with caravans and or buried in a time capsule so that people of the future may learn from our mistakes.
Thanks in anticipation.
Directors Cut
Everyone's heard of a Directors Cut, Bladerunner, Terminator 2, Aliens. Funnily enough usually films that James Cameron is the Director. They usually contain a longer cut of the film, including previously cut scenes that the studio didn't like, were under pressure to meet a desired rating or were dropped due to time constraints.
The concept is that it represents the Directors' Original vision before various parties became involved in the edit and hacked it to pieces. I get that and understand it when a directors cut is released a decade or two after the original, technology has advanced in such a way that a director is able to improve on that original concept and get closer to their first imagining. What I don't get however, is when a theatrical cut is released at the cinema, and the Directors Cut is released on DVD. There is no other excuse other than to make money, by doing that you're cheating people by changing the film and having them pay to see it on two different mediums. If the film is good enough, they'll buy it on DVD anyway. The films are made at the same time, edited together, there simply isn't enough time to edit a separate cut between the cinema and DVD release.
My case in point, Terminator: Salvation was released on two separate DVDs at the same time, the original and the Directors Cut. Avatar, is making millions at the cinema and is supposedly the best film in the world, has the most cutting edge technology, taking the movie world by storm and has been between 4 and 6 years in the making depending on the source. Then why has it already been confirmed that the Blu-Ray release will feature the Directors Cut? Is 4 years not enough to get it right James Cameron? Has the technology advanced again in 3 months? Is it outdated already? Or was all that about creating his masterpiece and a modern day spectacle all just bollocks? Well obviously, cos now he's done a better version. Unless of course he's just playing everyone for a mug and milking this cash cow for all it's worth. My prediction is shortly after the Blu-ray release, there'll then be a 3d version released, probably with an additional scene, they forgot about the previous two versions. While we are on Avatar I have to point out another thing, that Mr Cameron said it was the perfect film for a 15 year old boy and had everything they would want. Rubbish. 15 year old boys want a cross between Taken, and Emmanuelle, somebody running round killing everyone they see for revenge, pausing every 2o minutes to watch women getting undressed and taking a shower in a communal changing room, not a big blue cartoon alien version of Dances with Wolves.
Anyway, back to Directors Cuts....
Here's an idea James Cameron, GET IT RIGHT FIRST TIME!!
The concept is that it represents the Directors' Original vision before various parties became involved in the edit and hacked it to pieces. I get that and understand it when a directors cut is released a decade or two after the original, technology has advanced in such a way that a director is able to improve on that original concept and get closer to their first imagining. What I don't get however, is when a theatrical cut is released at the cinema, and the Directors Cut is released on DVD. There is no other excuse other than to make money, by doing that you're cheating people by changing the film and having them pay to see it on two different mediums. If the film is good enough, they'll buy it on DVD anyway. The films are made at the same time, edited together, there simply isn't enough time to edit a separate cut between the cinema and DVD release.
My case in point, Terminator: Salvation was released on two separate DVDs at the same time, the original and the Directors Cut. Avatar, is making millions at the cinema and is supposedly the best film in the world, has the most cutting edge technology, taking the movie world by storm and has been between 4 and 6 years in the making depending on the source. Then why has it already been confirmed that the Blu-Ray release will feature the Directors Cut? Is 4 years not enough to get it right James Cameron? Has the technology advanced again in 3 months? Is it outdated already? Or was all that about creating his masterpiece and a modern day spectacle all just bollocks? Well obviously, cos now he's done a better version. Unless of course he's just playing everyone for a mug and milking this cash cow for all it's worth. My prediction is shortly after the Blu-ray release, there'll then be a 3d version released, probably with an additional scene, they forgot about the previous two versions. While we are on Avatar I have to point out another thing, that Mr Cameron said it was the perfect film for a 15 year old boy and had everything they would want. Rubbish. 15 year old boys want a cross between Taken, and Emmanuelle, somebody running round killing everyone they see for revenge, pausing every 2o minutes to watch women getting undressed and taking a shower in a communal changing room, not a big blue cartoon alien version of Dances with Wolves.
Anyway, back to Directors Cuts....
Here's an idea James Cameron, GET IT RIGHT FIRST TIME!!
Friday, 31 July 2009
Star Wars Deleted Scene: The Interview
SCENE: INT: A COLD LOOKING OFFICE ROOM:
A MAN SITS NERVOUSLY AT A DESK LOOKING AT THE EMPTY CHAIR OPPOSITE HIM, HE SCANS AROUND THE ROOM AND NOTICES THE MOTIVATIONAL POSTER SAYING “FAILURE: IS NOT AN OPTION” ADJACENT TO A POSTER OF THE LORD DARTH VADER POINTING, SAYING “I WANT YOU”.
AN OFFICER WEARING A GREY IMPERIAL UNIFORM ENTERS, SITS OPPOSITE THE MAN AND STARTS CHEERILY SHUFFLING HIS PAPERS.
OFFICER:
Soo, you're here for the new radar post role then, is that correct?
MAN:
Er… yes, sir, I am.
OFFICER:
Goood, well your CV looks up to scratch and I'm sure you're aware of the role profile?
MAN:
Well… n-not really sir, the recruitment agency said it was just for an operator for a new imperial project.
OFFICER:
Of course, of course, how absent minded I am! (LAUGHS JOVIALLY) Well, obviously we have a very strict failure policy here, but there are also perks to working for the Empire. Obviously the main being that we won't kill you! (LAUGHS) - Just a… little joke there… not strictly true… as failure could lead to death by telekenetic strangulation. But great opportunities in that vacancies do come round quite often, with chance for progression, it quite literally is "dead mans shoes" as they say! (LAUGHS)... But basically the job entails watching the radar screens allocated to you and ensuring that no rebel forces come bearing photon torpedoes again! (BEAT) Would you believe they made that shot?! Into a duct no bigger than a wamp-rat?! Unbelievable! (LOWERS VOICE AND LOOKS AROUND) Between you and me, I think Lord Vader is trying to find the pilot and offer him a job! Alderan knows we need good pilots, these clones are all bit backward you see, too much interbreeding in my opinion, can't be good. (SIGHS) But yes the duct, hardly worth putting it in the next one really is it, but the idea is to double bluff! They'll never expect us to use the exact same plans with the same weakness! Smart eh? (TAPS HIS NOSE AND WINKS)
MAN:
Oh yes sir, last thing they'll be expecting.
OFFICER:
Anyhoo, we like to keep things quite jovial, helps if you're a bit mad! We're all a bit bonkers round here! We regularly play golf on Endor, do you...play golf at all?
MAN:
(A LITTLE CONFUSED AND NERVOUS NOW) Er… well… I guess I could…
OFFICER:
Splendid! There's the Empire cup every 2 durations, where the officers play the troopers - we always win, they can't aim for toffee!
MAN:
Sir... the job?
OFFICER:
Ah yes, sorry about that you do have to stop me, I tend go off on a tangent. Only the other day I was talking to Boba Fett about the time Jabba got a birdie on the 4th at Tatooine - Tatooine! I still can't quite comprehend that, sand everywhere it's a real nightmare...
MAN:
Sir?
OFFICER:
Yes, well you seem fine to me, just the kind of recruit the Empire is looking for!
MAN:
I’ve hardly said anything Sir.
OFFICER:
Precisely! Thank you for coming in, I'm sure you'll be hearing from us one way or the other... (GIGGLES) No I’m joking… or am I? (BEAT) No I am, I am… just go… now.
END
A MAN SITS NERVOUSLY AT A DESK LOOKING AT THE EMPTY CHAIR OPPOSITE HIM, HE SCANS AROUND THE ROOM AND NOTICES THE MOTIVATIONAL POSTER SAYING “FAILURE: IS NOT AN OPTION” ADJACENT TO A POSTER OF THE LORD DARTH VADER POINTING, SAYING “I WANT YOU”.
AN OFFICER WEARING A GREY IMPERIAL UNIFORM ENTERS, SITS OPPOSITE THE MAN AND STARTS CHEERILY SHUFFLING HIS PAPERS.
OFFICER:
Soo, you're here for the new radar post role then, is that correct?
MAN:
Er… yes, sir, I am.
OFFICER:
Goood, well your CV looks up to scratch and I'm sure you're aware of the role profile?
MAN:
Well… n-not really sir, the recruitment agency said it was just for an operator for a new imperial project.
OFFICER:
Of course, of course, how absent minded I am! (LAUGHS JOVIALLY) Well, obviously we have a very strict failure policy here, but there are also perks to working for the Empire. Obviously the main being that we won't kill you! (LAUGHS) - Just a… little joke there… not strictly true… as failure could lead to death by telekenetic strangulation. But great opportunities in that vacancies do come round quite often, with chance for progression, it quite literally is "dead mans shoes" as they say! (LAUGHS)... But basically the job entails watching the radar screens allocated to you and ensuring that no rebel forces come bearing photon torpedoes again! (BEAT) Would you believe they made that shot?! Into a duct no bigger than a wamp-rat?! Unbelievable! (LOWERS VOICE AND LOOKS AROUND) Between you and me, I think Lord Vader is trying to find the pilot and offer him a job! Alderan knows we need good pilots, these clones are all bit backward you see, too much interbreeding in my opinion, can't be good. (SIGHS) But yes the duct, hardly worth putting it in the next one really is it, but the idea is to double bluff! They'll never expect us to use the exact same plans with the same weakness! Smart eh? (TAPS HIS NOSE AND WINKS)
MAN:
Oh yes sir, last thing they'll be expecting.
OFFICER:
Anyhoo, we like to keep things quite jovial, helps if you're a bit mad! We're all a bit bonkers round here! We regularly play golf on Endor, do you...play golf at all?
MAN:
(A LITTLE CONFUSED AND NERVOUS NOW) Er… well… I guess I could…
OFFICER:
Splendid! There's the Empire cup every 2 durations, where the officers play the troopers - we always win, they can't aim for toffee!
MAN:
Sir... the job?
OFFICER:
Ah yes, sorry about that you do have to stop me, I tend go off on a tangent. Only the other day I was talking to Boba Fett about the time Jabba got a birdie on the 4th at Tatooine - Tatooine! I still can't quite comprehend that, sand everywhere it's a real nightmare...
MAN:
Sir?
OFFICER:
Yes, well you seem fine to me, just the kind of recruit the Empire is looking for!
MAN:
I’ve hardly said anything Sir.
OFFICER:
Precisely! Thank you for coming in, I'm sure you'll be hearing from us one way or the other... (GIGGLES) No I’m joking… or am I? (BEAT) No I am, I am… just go… now.
END
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