A year on....

Well it's been almost a year, I'm still here. Look at everything that's happened; the credit crunch, the global bank crisis, the millions of people unemployed - and what was the headline in last weeks Daily Star? Britney's Sextape up for sale. What would we do without these important life or death updates? If we never heard about what doorway Winehouse had been found in, or how many drugs charges Doherty's managed to avoid because a sad, greasy, spotty and no doubt never had a social life or any kind of exposure to decent music bunch of students bought his album once. To be honest I'd be on google looking for the pics of Britney with no pants on. In this time of turmoil, maybe we need to divert our attention on the nobheaded celebs that we have made famous by insisting to give these wasters coloumn inches. The next one of which will be a Ms Baillie. She will be made famous by forcing the resignation of Russell Brand and suspension of Jonathan Ross - oh and the online sextapes and her porn work - but how dare Russell say he had sex with her and ruin her otherwise untarnished, pure, virginal reputation.
Do you know how many complaints were received at the time of broadcast? 4, just 4, and they were complaints about JR swearing, of which there had been a warning previously, so they should have been discounted also. Then 2 weeks after a media circus and people finally finding a scapegoat so they didn't have to talk about banks anymore, over 24,000 complaints were registered. To these people I simply say throw away your membership to the Mary Whitehouse fanclub, go out, find a girl, or a boy, and spend some time with the opposite sex for once in your life.

Aahhh it's good to be back...

Bored...

God I'm bored! It's amazing what you do when you're bored isn't it? Somehow I always seem to find myself on the internet, for some reason my mind thinks of things like; what happened to the cast of California Dreams? - Who cares?! - I wonder if they have a Pontiac Trans am on Ebay...- Why?! - Today I actually found myself on the Halfords website looking at Caravan accessories - I don't have a caravan, I don't have a tow bar, I don't even have a tent and I'm not about to start and get one. Sorry guys but any weekend that results in me hiking for half a mile, carrying a large plastic tub of human excrement is off my agenda. I'd rather watch Cricket, and that's saying something, what a boring game that is. I can't believe we have a game where you actually stop in the middle to have tea, and it can take up to 5 days to finish and still be a draw!!
I was that bored today, I could've watched Jeremy Kyle. Who is this joker? And which Psychology school did he spend a weeks work experience at? I'll give him his due, he's the only one who tells them how it is; "Your problem, is your a fat chav who can't keep your legs closed!" I could never hear good old Kilroy saying that! And just how bloody good is this guys technology? It takes the Police 4 weeks to analyse a DNA sample - he has it after the break!
Get a hobby? I have one, I play the guitar. I was in a music shop only a week or so ago, and I hate it because there's always someone who knows more than you or can play better. I always get really self conscious trying one out because everyone can hear what you're playing, and the guy who owns the place scowling thinking "if I hear House of the Rising Sun or Stairway to Heaven one more time..." Then in comes the 12 year old kid who picks any guitar up and starts jamming on it like Clapton, from one of these weird families who don't have a TV or computers and just sit round singing songs and playing instruments and being happy all the time - just like that band on this years X factor, "Incest" - sorry, "Same Difference". I've called them that from the start, I think Incest is much catchier and really captures their image, my friends have even started calling them it now, it's really taking off!

Networking? No thanks...

I enjoy meeting people, let me re-phrase that, I enjoy meeting people that I think I'll get on with and can entertain. I hate being forced into social networking situations -you know what I mean, the works' team conferences where some liberal, tie-wearing jobsworth thinks it'd be a great idea to split you away from people you've actually managed to find something in common with, and stick you with a bunch of suits who love nothing more than to tell you every detail of their job, and expect you do the same with as much conviction and vigour. I don't want to talk to these people, I'm not interested in their job or what their dog's called and I can't be bothered to talk about mine. These are not people I would choose as friends so why waste my time, I have as much in common with them as Shaun Ryder does with the Pope.
Likewise, if I choose to lose touch with someone or not contact them, the chances are there's a good reason. Then I get a message on bloody facebook. What is this crap? Everybody raves about it, my girlfriend spends hours on it, doing what, I don't know - I set up a page and sat saying "right, what do I do now?" and that was it, until I got a message saying I been bitten and was now a werewolf - what?! Then I got another saying I had bitten and was a vampire - I was werewolf a minute ago! Then I got one saying my mate had sent me pint, "sweet! Where is it?" so I clicked it "You enjoyed that" - did I? I never saw the bloody thing - and the first time I got a message saying AP wants a slippery nipple I wondered what the hell I'd gotten into!
I got myspace too, what a load of jokers on there! It's full of folk pretending to be celebrities, there are about 15 George Lucas' - well 15 teenage boys pretending to be George Lucas. One of them almost convinced me till I saw the message from his mate saying "Maths was shit today eh?"

Shower problem

Who invented the push button shower? You know the ones you get in public changing rooms like gyms and swimming baths. I mean, what's the whole idea? What was wrong with turning the knob? Instead we have to devise away of keeping the button pressed and washing at the same time, otherwise you push the button, have a rinse - well, try to after the initial freezing and then subsequent scalding you seem to get as the temperature regulates. It's like "phew that's cold, getting a bit warmer now, oh yes that's nice, bit warmer, ooh getting a bit hot now... JESUS CHRIST!
So, you push the button, have a rinse, go for the shower gel, squeeze a big splodge into your hand... and the bloody thing turns off. So you can choose to either; keep your hand on the button and try wash yourself one handed, while simultaneously switching hands on the button, with that look of concentration on your face that resembles a constipated chimp. OR you can try and be clever and lean back, holding the button in with your back, freeing up both hands... actually, yes that's a better option.
This is of course until you decide to get out, then the bugger stays on twice as long "right, I'll get out when it finishes this time... any second...any second... any second now?..."

Air Hostess?

Are air hostesses a completely different colour to everyone else?
They're like a new breed of person specially created in a lab by the flight companies, specially programmed to be nice and serve peanuts - try making one cry it's impossible, they're like an attendant at Disneyland. "Hello sir, ok sir? Have a nice day sir, missing you already!.."
Rolled off a production line on a conveyor belt where they get spray painted, they're not quite brown, definitely not white, more an orangey with a touch of jaundice - like a rusty General Lee. And of course the bright cherry lipped grin that must be sprayed through a stencil. Also you never see a retired or ex-air hostess, that's because they're fitted with an expiry date. They had to do that after 2 of them escaped from the factory, their boobs were over inflated and they were for the rejects bin but managed to break free when the mechanical grabber couldn't contain their expansive chests. They were then taken in by a lads magazine company and changed their names to Jordan and Jodie.
And I've finally worked out what that smell is in the duty free perfume shops, you know that amalgamation of all the different scents that somehow makes every shop smell the same regardless of which perfumes they're selling - it's the air hostesses.
Bottled air steward,.. eau de trolley dolly.
You'll notice a few different names there; air hostess, air stewardess, air steward, this is mainly because I have no bloody idea what the correct term is these days as they all seem to cause offence. I'll just stick to the "oreet luv".

No Internet!!

You'll notice a gap since the last post, partly because I've been on holiday but also I've had no internet!! What did we do before the internet? I felt like I was going cold turkey or something, sat there going mad rubbing my hands on my legs! And these call centre help lines a crap! I don't care who you service provider is they all say the same thing, "have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?" Oh well, shit on me, I never thought of that! No I just sat there licking my screen, trying to entice it into connecting you pillock!! The PC companies are the same no matter what the issue, "Hi, yeh I accidentically spilled water on my keyboard and now it doesn't work" "Hmm, have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?"
"Hi, er after my PC froze for the 5th time in as many minutes I inadvertantly threw it out of the window, where it landed on the windscreen of a passing car, causing it to swerve and hit a bus stop, knocking it down - the bus went passed not seeing the stop and 7 people were stood shouting at me cos they missed their bus" "Hmm, have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?"
I've tried blinding them with science too, really trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about in the hope they'll treat me like someone who doesn't have difficulties opening a packet of peanuts. " Hi, I'm having a problem linking to my DNS sever through databridge via my wireless SAN - any ideas?"
"Well... if you try switching it off for 10 seconds....."

Moving in...

My girlfriend and I have been living together for about almost two years, interesting experience moving in together. Apologies for all the Star Wars references but when I mention one it reminds me of another. I feel like I’m in the “Episode 3” phase. I’ve seen the end product, Darth Vader, in my mum. Then I saw my sweet loving girlfriend, like Anakin in Episode 1. Now I’m in the transitional period, seeing that once sweet innocent person slowly completing their transformation to the dark side. People say you find out about each other, it’s true you do. You find out each others little obsessive compulsive things, I don’t mean turning the light on and off 15 times before entering a room, I mean like... washing up when there’s still clean plates left in the cupboard (?!). But they find out about us too, about when we take our boxers off in the morning, we have to flick them up with our foot and try catch them.

The toilet seat chestnut makes me laugh, surely if there are 2 people in the household, one male one female, it’s just as inconsiderate to leave the seat down as it is up – and lets just analyse this logically, who goes to the toilet more? Men will go once in the morning, again around lunch time / afternoon, as soon as we get in from work and again before we go to bed for number 1’s, 2’s maybe 3’s if it’s been a slow week. Women go once in the morning, always straight after work - and manage to beat you there first - before bed and usually whenever you suggest sex “nope sorry – need a wee” - no? Just me then!
Someone once asked me, - we were a few beers into conversation and talking about the inevitable rampant rabbits and such – they asked me "what would you do if you found your girlfriend with one?" I said "simple, you know when your mum and dad caught you smoking and made you smoke a full pack while they watched…"