Who invented the push button shower? You know the ones you get in public changing rooms like gyms and swimming baths. I mean, what's the whole idea? What was wrong with turning the knob? Instead we have to devise away of keeping the button pressed and washing at the same time, otherwise you push the button, have a rinse - well, try to after the initial freezing and then subsequent scalding you seem to get as the temperature regulates. It's like "phew that's cold, getting a bit warmer now, oh yes that's nice, bit warmer, ooh getting a bit hot now... JESUS CHRIST!
So, you push the button, have a rinse, go for the shower gel, squeeze a big splodge into your hand... and the bloody thing turns off. So you can choose to either; keep your hand on the button and try wash yourself one handed, while simultaneously switching hands on the button, with that look of concentration on your face that resembles a constipated chimp. OR you can try and be clever and lean back, holding the button in with your back, freeing up both hands... actually, yes that's a better option.
This is of course until you decide to get out, then the bugger stays on twice as long "right, I'll get out when it finishes this time... any second...any second... any second now?..."
Saturday, 27 October 2007
Air Hostess?
Are air hostesses a completely different colour to everyone else?
They're like a new breed of person specially created in a lab by the flight companies, specially programmed to be nice and serve peanuts - try making one cry it's impossible, they're like an attendant at Disneyland. "Hello sir, ok sir? Have a nice day sir, missing you already!.."
Rolled off a production line on a conveyor belt where they get spray painted, they're not quite brown, definitely not white, more an orangey with a touch of jaundice - like a rusty General Lee. And of course the bright cherry lipped grin that must be sprayed through a stencil. Also you never see a retired or ex-air hostess, that's because they're fitted with an expiry date. They had to do that after 2 of them escaped from the factory, their boobs were over inflated and they were for the rejects bin but managed to break free when the mechanical grabber couldn't contain their expansive chests. They were then taken in by a lads magazine company and changed their names to Jordan and Jodie.
And I've finally worked out what that smell is in the duty free perfume shops, you know that amalgamation of all the different scents that somehow makes every shop smell the same regardless of which perfumes they're selling - it's the air hostesses.
Bottled air steward,.. eau de trolley dolly.
You'll notice a few different names there; air hostess, air stewardess, air steward, this is mainly because I have no bloody idea what the correct term is these days as they all seem to cause offence. I'll just stick to the "oreet luv".
They're like a new breed of person specially created in a lab by the flight companies, specially programmed to be nice and serve peanuts - try making one cry it's impossible, they're like an attendant at Disneyland. "Hello sir, ok sir? Have a nice day sir, missing you already!.."
Rolled off a production line on a conveyor belt where they get spray painted, they're not quite brown, definitely not white, more an orangey with a touch of jaundice - like a rusty General Lee. And of course the bright cherry lipped grin that must be sprayed through a stencil. Also you never see a retired or ex-air hostess, that's because they're fitted with an expiry date. They had to do that after 2 of them escaped from the factory, their boobs were over inflated and they were for the rejects bin but managed to break free when the mechanical grabber couldn't contain their expansive chests. They were then taken in by a lads magazine company and changed their names to Jordan and Jodie.
And I've finally worked out what that smell is in the duty free perfume shops, you know that amalgamation of all the different scents that somehow makes every shop smell the same regardless of which perfumes they're selling - it's the air hostesses.
Bottled air steward,.. eau de trolley dolly.
You'll notice a few different names there; air hostess, air stewardess, air steward, this is mainly because I have no bloody idea what the correct term is these days as they all seem to cause offence. I'll just stick to the "oreet luv".
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
No Internet!!
You'll notice a gap since the last post, partly because I've been on holiday but also I've had no internet!! What did we do before the internet? I felt like I was going cold turkey or something, sat there going mad rubbing my hands on my legs! And these call centre help lines a crap! I don't care who you service provider is they all say the same thing, "have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?" Oh well, shit on me, I never thought of that! No I just sat there licking my screen, trying to entice it into connecting you pillock!! The PC companies are the same no matter what the issue, "Hi, yeh I accidentically spilled water on my keyboard and now it doesn't work" "Hmm, have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?"
"Hi, er after my PC froze for the 5th time in as many minutes I inadvertantly threw it out of the window, where it landed on the windscreen of a passing car, causing it to swerve and hit a bus stop, knocking it down - the bus went passed not seeing the stop and 7 people were stood shouting at me cos they missed their bus" "Hmm, have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?"
I've tried blinding them with science too, really trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about in the hope they'll treat me like someone who doesn't have difficulties opening a packet of peanuts. " Hi, I'm having a problem linking to my DNS sever through databridge via my wireless SAN - any ideas?"
"Well... if you try switching it off for 10 seconds....."
"Hi, er after my PC froze for the 5th time in as many minutes I inadvertantly threw it out of the window, where it landed on the windscreen of a passing car, causing it to swerve and hit a bus stop, knocking it down - the bus went passed not seeing the stop and 7 people were stood shouting at me cos they missed their bus" "Hmm, have you tried switching it off for 10 seconds and restarting?"
I've tried blinding them with science too, really trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about in the hope they'll treat me like someone who doesn't have difficulties opening a packet of peanuts. " Hi, I'm having a problem linking to my DNS sever through databridge via my wireless SAN - any ideas?"
"Well... if you try switching it off for 10 seconds....."
Tuesday, 9 October 2007
Moving in...
My girlfriend and I have been living together for about almost two years, interesting experience moving in together. Apologies for all the Star Wars references but when I mention one it reminds me of another. I feel like I’m in the “Episode 3” phase. I’ve seen the end product, Darth Vader, in my mum. Then I saw my sweet loving girlfriend, like Anakin in Episode 1. Now I’m in the transitional period, seeing that once sweet innocent person slowly completing their transformation to the dark side. People say you find out about each other, it’s true you do. You find out each others little obsessive compulsive things, I don’t mean turning the light on and off 15 times before entering a room, I mean like... washing up when there’s still clean plates left in the cupboard (?!). But they find out about us too, about when we take our boxers off in the morning, we have to flick them up with our foot and try catch them.
The toilet seat chestnut makes me laugh, surely if there are 2 people in the household, one male one female, it’s just as inconsiderate to leave the seat down as it is up – and lets just analyse this logically, who goes to the toilet more? Men will go once in the morning, again around lunch time / afternoon, as soon as we get in from work and again before we go to bed for number 1’s, 2’s maybe 3’s if it’s been a slow week. Women go once in the morning, always straight after work - and manage to beat you there first - before bed and usually whenever you suggest sex “nope sorry – need a wee” - no? Just me then!
Someone once asked me, - we were a few beers into conversation and talking about the inevitable rampant rabbits and such – they asked me "what would you do if you found your girlfriend with one?" I said "simple, you know when your mum and dad caught you smoking and made you smoke a full pack while they watched…"
The toilet seat chestnut makes me laugh, surely if there are 2 people in the household, one male one female, it’s just as inconsiderate to leave the seat down as it is up – and lets just analyse this logically, who goes to the toilet more? Men will go once in the morning, again around lunch time / afternoon, as soon as we get in from work and again before we go to bed for number 1’s, 2’s maybe 3’s if it’s been a slow week. Women go once in the morning, always straight after work - and manage to beat you there first - before bed and usually whenever you suggest sex “nope sorry – need a wee” - no? Just me then!
Someone once asked me, - we were a few beers into conversation and talking about the inevitable rampant rabbits and such – they asked me "what would you do if you found your girlfriend with one?" I said "simple, you know when your mum and dad caught you smoking and made you smoke a full pack while they watched…"
Sunday, 7 October 2007
Jedi Weddings
A couple of months ago my friends got married, and in the usual tradition the best man was winding up the bride over the preparation. He told her that he had hired a group of midgets to dress up as Ewoks to be waiters at the reception. I cottoned on and told her one of them had been ordained and was going to perform the ceremony as Yoda " Hmm, gathered here today we are..."Then that just sparked the idea of Jedi weddings. The bride walks down the aisle to the Imperial March, wearing a white dress and her hair in Leia buns. There waiting for her is her groom dressed as Han and the Obi Wan priest who then conducts the ceremony whilst waving his hand. "You will repeat after me...""I will repeat after you."As they exit the church the fanfare starts as the doors open and they walk through the two lines of storm troopers under the tunnel of crossed light-sabers.What do you reckon? We take internet bookings!
Rules of Engagement
Now listen ladies, you just don't get it do you? In men there are unspoken rules that are just known and understood. The main of these are rules of the public toilet, or toilet etiquette if you will.
If you enter toilets in either a pub, hotel or at work, and there are lets say, 3 urinals which do you go to; A, B, or C? Of course you go to C, the furthest. If someone is already at C, where do you go? No - A, you do not stand next someone! If people are at A and C, what do you do? Of course! You go in the cubicle - these are the rules of mens toilets. Likewise if you're in for a bit of a sit and someone's in trap 1, don't go to trap 2 if there are more, it's just not right! They get uncomfortable, you get uncomfortable, nobody wants to hear what the other persons doing.
I get really mad in fact when someones comes in, it disturbs me, I can't relax while someone's there, I have to wait until they're gone. I hear them tearing the paper as they wipe the seat and then carefully lay the bits of paper on it so as not to let any part of skin come in contact with the bare seat. The clicking of mobile phone buttons as they play a quick game of snake or nokia golf. Then I sit there willing them to finish so that I can go! Why? Because on no condition can they know that was me in there, way too embarassing - for them too, they don't want me to know it's them either!
It's like (I think they mentioned this on Radio 1 the other day) if someone comes in for a pee while you're on the loo, just for a laugh, flush the toilet and hear how fast they wash their hands and leave, they don't want to see who's in there any more than you want them to see that's it you that was in there!
If you enter toilets in either a pub, hotel or at work, and there are lets say, 3 urinals which do you go to; A, B, or C? Of course you go to C, the furthest. If someone is already at C, where do you go? No - A, you do not stand next someone! If people are at A and C, what do you do? Of course! You go in the cubicle - these are the rules of mens toilets. Likewise if you're in for a bit of a sit and someone's in trap 1, don't go to trap 2 if there are more, it's just not right! They get uncomfortable, you get uncomfortable, nobody wants to hear what the other persons doing.
I get really mad in fact when someones comes in, it disturbs me, I can't relax while someone's there, I have to wait until they're gone. I hear them tearing the paper as they wipe the seat and then carefully lay the bits of paper on it so as not to let any part of skin come in contact with the bare seat. The clicking of mobile phone buttons as they play a quick game of snake or nokia golf. Then I sit there willing them to finish so that I can go! Why? Because on no condition can they know that was me in there, way too embarassing - for them too, they don't want me to know it's them either!
It's like (I think they mentioned this on Radio 1 the other day) if someone comes in for a pee while you're on the loo, just for a laugh, flush the toilet and hear how fast they wash their hands and leave, they don't want to see who's in there any more than you want them to see that's it you that was in there!
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